


A Million Dreams, But I Choose You

by SinisterSound



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Betrayed feelings, But he also loves being an idol, Falling In Love, Fights and Misunderstandings, He’s just trying to do what’s best, Hongjoong really loves his soulmate, M/M, Moral Dilemmas, Protect Seonghwa, Relationships within an industry, Sometimes people do dumb things when they’re hurt, Soulmarks, Theyre all soft for each other, They’re Eden’s kids, Yeosang is the voice of reason once again, cursing, friends to lovers sort of, soulmate!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:26:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 31,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21513757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinisterSound/pseuds/SinisterSound
Summary: Hongjoong loved his soulmate, but he didn’t know them.What he did know was that for the sake of his dream, Hongjoong would have to give up his soulmate.He chose to leave them behind for now.Turns out, his soulmate followed him anyway.
Relationships: (Minor), Jung Wooyoung/Kang Yeosang, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 43
Kudos: 1742
Collections: ateez ff





	1. I Hold My Dream, I See You There

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is- the winner of the poll!  
> I’m not 100% satisfied with this, and it wound up being longer than I intended, but I did have a lot of fun!  
> I actually really like this concept of soulmates, and I got super invested lol~~  
> I hope it was what you were expecting!  
> I hope you all have a lovely day!  
> Let me know what you think!!  
> -SS

There were a lot of things that idols found important. 

Their looks, their weight, their fans, their health, their performances, their teammates, their ratings, their hair, their word choice, their- 

You got the point. 

But there was one thing that wasn’t important. One thing that an idol could  _ never  _ find important. 

One taboo that they could never think, speak, or even whisper about. They were given freedom to care as much as they wanted about whatever they found important. 

All, save for one thing. 

And he’ll be damned if it wasn’t the one thing he wanted. 

The one thing he found.

~~~~~~~

Soulmates were kept hidden. 

The industry didn’t take kindly to talk about idols’ soulmates, and although it was the hot topic among all fans and news outlets, it was  _ completely  _ taboo to try and ask about soulmates at all- let alone in an official interview. 

With hefty repercussions at anyone who failed to follow that rule. 

Hongjoong always pitied those idols who had visible soulmarks- things like their hair changing or words appearing on their skin or tattoos dotting along their wrists. 

He had a friend, while he was in training, whose soulmark appeared one day in the middle of practice. A name, written in red ink, right across his neck. 

The company had him gone by the end of the day. 

If an already-debuted idol suddenly had a visible soulmark appear, their lives became hell. (Sometimes, visible marks could be hidden. But it all depended on how gracious the company was feeling. How good a trainee they would be losing. How willing you were to sell yourself to continue to be here.) 

Bad enough that most companies would start looking for any reason to kick them out- they would make idols’ lives miserable to keep that mark hidden. 

God forbid an idol should announce their soulmate, find their soulmates, or bring up whatever soulmark they had been burdened with. 

Hongjoong didn’t know what was worse- having fans find out who your real soulmate was, or having a fan end up being your soulmate. 

The outrage would be greater than any superficial dating rumor could ever hope to spark. 

One idol- Hongjoong couldn’t even remember their name- it was so long ago, before being an idol was ever on his mind- always walked around in a winter coat, even on the hottest day of summer. 

Rumor had it that his soulmark moved everyday (some even claimed to have heard that it was a vine tattoo that grew around his body with flowers that matched his soulmate), and the amount of times he would faint on stage just from the heat was enough that he left the idol scene after only a few months. 

Idols with invisible or easily hidden marks counted themselves lucky. Those without marks yet, woke up everyday, terrified for the day theirs would show up. 

Fans would show off their soulmarks proudly at any given moment, hoping their idol would recognize their mark. 

Hongjoong often wondered if some idols got jealous that normal people were able to be proud of their soulmarks. He didn’t know if he was. He didn’t know if jealousy was the right word. 

Because idols  _ could  _ show off their soulmarks. 

In the deepest rooms of the dorm, behind locked practice room doors, in the innermost areas of award shows where they got their little inter-idol interactions- soulmarks were flashed like illegal substances. 

Quiet whispers would compliment or giggle at marks, wondering what they could mean or if this could possibly be any funnier. 

They weren’t secrets. 

But every person in the industry who even had even a  _ chance  _ of seeing soulmarks were under ten pounds of gag contracts and silence agreements with  _ extremely  _ hefty punishments if anything ever got out. 

Their stylists and managers- and, of course, the members of each idol group. 

So, idols operated around these bindings as best they could- avoiding anything that could potentially be related to soulmates, smiling painfully at fans who showed off their soulmarks like trophies, and slowly dying inside.

Because as long as they were  _ doing  _ what they loved, they would never be able to find the  _ person  _ they loved. 

~~~~~~~

Hongjoong had just been handed an official contract between him and seven other boys, telling them that they would begin training together for their potential debut. 

Some of them, Hongjoong knew as close friends, and some he only knew through the haze of a dozen trainees and everyone having a certain solidarity of idols/being denied soulmates. 

But beginning tomorrow, after they finished settling into a dorm-  _ Ateez’s dorm _ , San had squealed, looking like a small town kid standing in the middle of Time Square- they would begin properly training together to be idols. 

Hongjoong had just been handed the very fucking key to his dreams when everything was shut down as swiftly and harshly as a guillotine slamming against his neck. 

They were saying goodnight, prepared for tomorrow when their first practice together would take place, and Hongjoong stepped out of the shower- damp and smelling like coconut body wash- when he caught sight of himself in the mirror. 

He froze, his blood running cold so quickly it made his head spin. 

It was as delicate and precise as if it had been cut from glass- a constellation tattoo sitting just below the curve of his shoulder on his bicep. 

Not some rinky dink one you got from a parlor-  _ this  _ one was a soulmark. 

It looked like someone had taken real stars right from the sky and pressed them into his skin- seeming to shimmer and flicker miraculously. Part of his examination was marveling over the life-likeness of it, and the other half was rubbing at it, wondering if one of the others had scribbled on him and he hadn’t noticed.

Hongjoong stood there for an amount of time he couldn’t begin to count, just staring at it- alternating between the high of finally being granted a clue to his soulmate, and the soul crushing fear that he was about to lose everything he had worked years to gain. 

It was like waiting for chickenpox when you were older- knowing that the further along you got, the more painful it was going to be when it happened. 

Hongjoong had spent his trainee years switching between begging for his mark to just appear, so he would know, and hoping that it would stay away long enough for him to have a chance in making it to his dream. 

He wanted to know his soulmate so badly, but that was what he gave up to do what he loved. He had made peace with that (at least, externally). 

But here he was, faced with the thing he had secretly been hoping for, and wondering if it was big enough, noticeable enough to get him kicked out- on the cusp of his dream coming true. 

What it moved? What if it got bigger? What it started glowing? Those were not things that could be hidden. 

What if Hongjoong had made it this far, only to- 

_ Slam.  _ “ _ Hongjoong _ , hurry up- we need to shower too!” Yunho yelled through the door. 

Hongjoong jumped so violently, he upset his toothbrush, sending it to the floor. He finally came to his senses with all the finesse of a pick up truck hitting him- tearing the door open and staring up at Yunho in open panic. 

Yunho stumbled back at the violent action, looking confused, but his eyes quickly dropped down to Hongjoong’s shoulder where the midnight blue ink had stained. 

He frowned for a moment, and then his eyes blew so wide, Hongjoong was scared he might hurt himself. “You got-” 

“What the hell do I do?” Hongjoong hissed, one hand leaping up to cover it- like it might erase it or make it shrink. “Yunho, what if-” He dropped his hand, like the mark had burned him, his entire body thrumming with horror and delight at the same time. 

His  _ soulmate _ . 

But his  _ dream _ . 

Yunho held out calming hands. “Okay- It’s okay,” he assured him, taking Hongjoong’s arm and leading him out of the bathroom. “L-Let’s go ask the others, okay?” 

A few of them already had soulmarks- both visible and not- and all of them had managed to make it this far. 

The others (which included San, Yeosang, and Wooyoung as the only ones who hadn’t gone to sleep yet) were, of course, the same amount of terrified for him and wonder-struck. 

Both excited and somber. Such was the trade off for their dream. 

They poked and prodded the tattoo, San suggesting that maybe he had just gotten drunk and didn’t remember.

Besides being a completely ridiculous notion, there was no way this thing was created by any person’s hand. 

The dark lines and twinkles seemed to move, almost like you were really staring up at the stairs and connecting them. He couldn’t tell what it was- almost like a real constellation that had only three stars but people said it looked like a man riding a horse. 

It was six stars, scattered in a space about the size of his palm, and connected with a delicate, paper-thin line that made no sense. 

It was beautiful. 

“You have to go talk to the company head,” Wooyoung told him seriously, rubbing his own wrist gently, where Hongjoong knew there was a little red string only Wooyoung could see. “I mean, this isn’t a very large one, so as long as it doesn’t move around, it shouldn’t be an issue. They might just cover it with make up.” 

“Like my eye,” San said helpfully, gesturing to his eye that opened wide- making the contact in his left one a little more noticeable that hid the green eye that mismatched his own brown. 

It was a solid reasoning, and it was probably correct, but that didn’t stop everyone from looking at him with concern. Because there was always a chance. 

Normally, something this small wouldn’t cause any trouble, but if the company decided it was too much hassle to deal with… What if they decided it was  _ just  _ flashy enough to warrant him being kicked out… 

Hongjoong didn’t want to have to leave anybody behind. 

“It’ll be fine,” Yeosang assured him quietly, resting a firm hand on his shoulder, getting that crease in his forehead that he usually only got when his soulmate’s thoughts were filtering through his own. “The manager will take you over, and we’ll have everything sorted out by morning.” 

All of them exchanged glances- all of them worried, all of them gripping each other’s hands like it might change something. 

There was one good thing to come out of all these soulmate barriers. 

It made the bond that they held as a team even stronger, understanding at least this part of each other intimately. 

Hongjoong was delivered to the CEO and sat in a meeting for three hours (when it was already 10 at night), going over and  _ over  _ all the things this changed and how much the company was going to trust him not to fuck this up. 

He was allowed to stay, provided the tattoo didn’t start to move around or grow- it was just going to be covered with makeup or clothing. 

The relief the next day was palpable as Hongjoong revealed that his soulmark had shown up, but he had gotten it cleared. Seven faces of sleep-deprived relief smiled at him, but not a single demand was given to show it to them. 

That was… Not necessarily  _ rude _ , but… it tended to be a touchy subject for some who liked to keep their soulmarks private. 

Out of all of them, Seonghwa was the only one who had chosen that. 

But they were late, and Hongjoong still needed to get dressed- they had practice. Real, idol practice under their own name- 

Now that everything was settled, and Hongjoong knew he wouldn’t be kicked out, he felt his chest swelling with excitement- both over their potential debut and the mark that seemed to warm up slightly on his shoulder. 

It wasn’t until a grueling practice session of eight hours straight had ended that Yunho finally shuffled over to Hongjoong. “Can I see it again?” he asked politely, looking excited for his friend. 

Hongjoong wiped sweat out of his eyes and found his lips turning up to match that excitement, nodding. 

He shoved up the sleeve of his practice shirt, showing off the little mark once more. Yunho practically ran in place, squealing boisterously. “What color is it?” he demanded, waiting as if this news was going to make his day. 

(Sometimes, Hongjoong got a little crestfallen over how much of the world Yunho missed without being able to see color- even something so blandly colored as this.) 

“Uh- sort of a midnight blue?” he said. “Like- they look real. Like the night sky.” 

Yunho grinned broadly, almost looking like he wanted to touch it, but held himself back. 

“Can I see?” Mingi asked, getting up where he had been resting on the floor. 

Hongjoong felt laughter bubbling in his chest in exhilaration as he turned to give Mingi a view. Well, that was breaking through the social faux-pas barrier, and everyone got to their feet to come over and see it (even those who already had). 

“It’s pretty,” Wooyoung told him, like Hongjoong had picked it out himself. “Do you think it matches your soulmate’s? Or is it gonna, like, light up when you find them?” 

Hongjoong shrugged, not necessarily caring one way or the other, still beaming. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a constellation soulmark before, though,” Yeosang murmured under his breath, looking like they had just been handed a real mystery. 

There was the sound of someone gagging, followed by violently coughing. 

Everyone turned quickly, to the back of their little gaggle, where Seonghwa was doubled over, a water bottle half-spilled on the floor, and his face red as he coughed. 

San immediately went over, patting his back (perhaps-definitely a bit too hard), all of them laughing as he choked. 

“Sweet tatt, bro,” Mingi said mockingly, making finger guns. 

Hongjoong chuckled as Seonghwa straightened, turning his arm to him to give the older a look since he likely hadn’t seen very well from the back. 

Seonghwa, however, stared at Hongjoong- not the mark on his arm. 

“I-” His face was still red, but he looked like he was about to be sick. 

Hongjoong frowned. “Did you cough too hard? You’re not going to throw up, are you?” he asked in concern. 

Seonghwa swallowed. “I- Actually, I do feel a little sick to my stomach- Just in case, I’m gonna- bathroom,” he managed, looking like he wasn’t quite breathing properly. He turned, hurrying from the room, a hand placed to his chest. 

“Is he alright?” San asked in genuine concern, looking back at Hongjoong. 

“Maybe someone should go make sure he isn’t sick?” Mingi suggested, shifting uncomfortably. 

“I’ll go,” Yunho assured them, already jogging out of the room after Seonghwa. 

They were all a little shifty while they waited- returning to practice when the instructor returned and they explained everything. 

Only about thirty minutes later, Yunho returned with Seonghwa- the former still looking confused on what the problem was, and the latter still seeming pale. 

“Are you okay?” Wooyoung asked, surprisingly serious. Seonghwa simply smiled and nodded, and all of them were too afraid of getting scolded by the instructor to ask much beyond that. 

But by the end of practice, Seonghwa seemed better, and assured them it was just a passing nausea. 

Hongjoong saw no evidence not to believe him, so things went back to normal. 

They came together nicely, as the days and weeks passed on. 

They blended together as a team, and eventually, as a family. They spent time together, they talked about the one thing they couldn’t talk about with anyone else, and all of them found a place together. 

No matter how many longing stares at their soulmarks, or quietly furrowed brows at whatever handicap or addition they had been given- they powered on, together. 

With friends like these, they almost wondered, who even needed a soulmate? 

~~~~~~~

“Tilt your head back, please.”

Hongjoong obeyed, letting the stylist noona guide his head into the position she needed it to be for her to do his eyes properly. 

The waiting room was bustling with activity- between make up and wardrobe and the ever-ticking clock signalling when their performance would start. 

“Hyung, did you touch my shoes?” 

“No, but  _ you  _ did- You took them off in the corner, by the blankets,” Seonghwa said calmly from the make up chair beside Hongjoong. Hongjoong had to snicker at the sound of triumph that followed a moment later from San. 

The stylist tapped his shoulder, signalling for him to straighten up and open his eyes. She was already grabbing the skin colored cover up. “Shirt sleeve,” she prompted, going through a routine that he was already following before she said it. 

He rolled his undershirt sleeve up, exposing the constellation on his arm. Years later- it still shone as fresh and bright as the first day he saw it. 

He had almost expected it to dim after they had debuted- like his soulmate might know that he had chosen this life over them. But it simply existed on, and continued to sparkle gently. 

Over time, Hongjoong had decided that maybe it could be the form of a flower, if you closed on eye and squinted. 

Something like a rose, maybe. 

(He had tried to have Seonghwa help him figure out what it was, while they were sitting in their room together, but Seonghwa had simply replied quietly- “It’s your soulmark, I wouldn’t want to comment on it.” Which Hongjoong found weird, but ultimately understood. 

Seonghwa was weird about soulmarks.) 

She started applying the make up to cover it, and Hongjoong had long since stopped watching it disappear under layers of protection. They were wearing long sleeves for this performance, but the company always liked to be careful with six extra layers of security. 

Hongjoong used to watch, his chest twisting with regret, every time it was covered. 

Because despite his dream… he also wanted that person. And it felt like… like betraying them, every time he sat here and allowed someone to cover up the one thing that connected them. 

The one thing that was supposed to be theirs. 

“Seonghwa-” a stylist called. “Your turn for wardrobe.”

Seonghwa called out a quick- “Coming!” as he let the make up noona finish up his eyes, and tell him to stand. 

“I'll be right over after I get your patch, okay?” She said, already gesturing San over to come get his turn done. 

Seonghwa thanked her, glancing at Hongjoong as he turned, eyes dragging over the half-covered mark on his arm. 

Hongjoong smiled quietly. “It's a bit tiring to cover it up every time, isn't it?” He joked. 

Seonghwa smiled, chuckling. “Tell me about it,” he said lightly, shaking his head and walking into the separate changing room. 

Hongjoong heard the lock click to the changing room. 

Seonghwa was… weird about soulmarks. And soulmates. 

He didn't avoid them, or really seemed distasteful of them. He just… was weird. 

He definitely had a visible soulmark, though, because he hid it from everyone at all times. 

It wasn't unheard of for people to want to keep their soulmarks a secret. It was just something Seonghwa had asked of them- that he didn't want to show off his soulmark, and that he didn't like talking about his soulmate too much- save for basic terms and general short answers. 

Seonghwa always got changed alone, even if it was inconvenient. It seemed as if he didn't even want to take a chance with them just closing their eyes or turning around. 

Not for lack of trust, but because some people just thought their soulmarks were too private and personal. 

Hongjoong often wondered if he had his soulmate’s name somewhere- or perhaps a phrase that he would hear from them. 

But because of that (legally) Seonghwa had a leg to stand on to get him certain rights, even among the barriers put in place. 

He put on his own undershirt by himself, and only then would the stylist be able to enter and help him dress the rest of the way. 

He was given special permission to use a self-applied patch, rather than a make up artist doing it, to cover whatever it was. (There were cover stories available from everything to pain patches to adhesive for his mic pack, in case it did somehow end up showing.) 

So, really, not even the stylists and make up artists and managers knew what Seonghwa's mark was. 

Hell, Hongjoong was pretty sure that not even the CEO knew what it was. Trainees weren't actually  _ legally  _ required to show their marks when they showed up. 

However, not showing it could create a whole lot of fucking issues if the company wasn't in the mood for secrecy. But Seonghwa said the company had decided, without seeing it, that as long as it never showed during training, he was fine to keep it a secret. 

So, as far as Hongjoong knew, there was not a single person on this earth who knew what Seonghwa's soulmark was. 

Not even his teammates. 

And Hongjoong absolutely respected that- in fact, he found it completely endearing, the fact that Seonghwa cared so much for his soulmate.That he wanted to keep that part secret. 

Hongjoong was most definitely the opposite, however. 

Hongjoong wanted to shout it from the highest tower in Seoul. He wanted to put his mark on a billboard and blare messages like lost dog posters- “Have you seen this mark?” 

Hongjoong wanted his soulmate so fucking bad. And he was in a constant war with himself over whether it was wrong of him to put them on hold. 

What if they died while he was here, ignoring them? What if they moved on? What if they found someone else? What if, in the end, Hongjoong had waited too long and it was too late? 

He shoved the thoughts away often. Soulmates wanted the best for each other. 

They wanted each other to be happy. And while, yes, his soulmate would make him happy- this life made Hongjoong happy, too. 

His soulmate wouldn’t hate him for that, would they? 

A hand touched his shoulder suddenly. “I know that face.” 

Hongjoong jumped, not even realizing he had spaced out, looking up at Seonghwa who smiled at him brightly. “You’re thinking about  _ them _ .” 

Hongjoong huffed, spinning in the make up chair. “When aren’t you thinking about them, really?” 

Seonghwa laughed, tapping Hongjoong’s shoulder. “Your turn to get dressed,” he said, gesturing over his shoulder. 

Hongjoong stood, and since he was the only one without a stage outfit on, he was the only one really available to receive the piece of apple Wooyoung threw at him, the fruit bouncing off his arm. 

Hongjoong threw a swift glare at the other who high fived San, both of them cackling. 

Yeosang smiled quietly in the corner, hiding it behind his phone that he scrolled through. 

“You’re cleaning the kitchen for a month,” Hongjoong said flatly, flicking a speck of apple off of him. Seonghwa bent down and picked up the apple piece, laughing while failing to hide his amusement. 

“But,  _ hyung _ ,” Wooyoung whined, and Hongjoong scoffed, shaking his head. 

“The begging would only work if I liked you,” Hongjoong huffed, already walking towards the dressing room. 

“But it would work because you love us!”

“I would sell your organs for free.” 

“Does that technically count as ‘selling’, then?”

“Not the  _ point _ , Yunho.” 

Wooyoung was cackling in his chair, risking his eye make up bravely. He suddenly sat up, placing his hands together politely, tilting his head in what was probably supposed to be an endearing expression. 

“But you  _ do  _ love us.” 

Hongjoong sighed, walking over to the two of them slowly, reaching forward and flicking some hair from his face. 

“Yes, Wooyoung, I do love all of you,” he confessed. Wooyoung’s grin widened, and Hongjoong flicked his forehead sharply. 

Wooyoung gasped, clutching his forehead in shock, as Hongjoong grinned, cackling. “But that doesn’t mean I’ll take anything lying down.” 

Wooyoung’s betrayal ran deep as he glared at Hongjoong, afraid to rub at the spot and risk his make up. 

Yeosang snorted in the corner, hiding further behind his phone. 

And when Hongjoong turned, Seonghwa was watching him with warm eyes that sparkled with amusement. Hongjoong laughed when their gazes met, both of them shaking their heads in solidarity against the younger members. 

After Hongjoong was dressed, his eyes drifting to where Seonghwa was getting his mic attached. 

But Seonghwa was already looking his way, his eyes glued to Hongjoong’s arm that had just been finished being covered moments before. 

Hongjoong’s skin felt a little warm. He smiled, and Seonghwa returned it easily- like he always did. 

Hongjoong’s heart rate picked up, but that always happened right before they went on stage. 

~~~~~~~~~

Sharing rooms with Seonghwa was always interesting- from the very first moment. 

At first, Hongjoong had been terrified to be the leader, sharing with the one person who was older than him. But Seonghwa was calm and kind, and even if he had his psychotic tendencies (like throwing Hongjoong’s dirty shoes at him), he was a good roommate. 

And Hongjoong wasn’t too bad of one either. At least, he didn’t think he was. 

But then he was being pulled aside by the manager during practice only weeks after Ateez had become an idea, his expression somber. 

“Seonghwa requested to switch rooms with someone,” the man told him firmly. “Are the two of you running into issues together?” 

Hongjoong’s eyes flew wide, even as his stomach dropped. 

“He- He wants to change roommates?” he repeated. The manager nodded stoically. Hongjoong gaped. “I-  _ Why _ ?” he asked, something hurt creeping into his chest. 

The manager lifted a concerned eyebrow. “The two of you haven’t been having issues?” 

Hongjoong shook his head quickly. “No- not anything beyond him yelling at me for leaving my clothes around, but the others are even worse than me.” His stomach curled. 

Had he been that bad? He and Seonghwa were… okay, he thought. 

They had even stayed up until four in the morning, both of them curled up on Hongjoong’s bed, silent until one of them would confess a weight on their chest that was sworn not to leave the sanctity of night in the room. 

Hongjoong… 

He thought they were close. Especially, considering how little they had interacted before being put in the same group. 

He, at least, had felt comfortable with Seonghwa. Like… he believed all of them would make themselves into a family. 

The manager pressed his lips together. “Fighting isn’t uncommon among groups, but you can’t let it divide you. Seonghwa didn’t cite a specific issue, so we’re not going to move him. I’ll give you a chance to talk it out with him- if he comes to me again, we might need to intervene.” 

Hongjoong had nodded numbly, barely able to look at the older throughout practice, and avoiding him completely in the van. 

Maybe Hongjoong was being too sensitive, but it felt… it felt like a rejection. Like a slap to the hand he had held out. 

Hongjoong went straight to their bedroom, not rushing for the shower like he usually did. 

And Hongjoong felt so bad about it, but Seonghwa hadn’t even pushed open the door before Hongjoong stared at him, arms crossed tightly, so he might come across as annoyed, rather than hurt. 

“You asked to switch rooms?” It was accusing, but Hongjoong’s heart felt like it was being twisted. 

Seonghwa froze where he was halfway through the door, staring at Hongjoong in shock. His lips parted, and then his eyes turned terrified, making Hongjoong frown. 

The fear turned quickly into shame as he stepped inside completely, closing the door firmly. 

“I-” 

“What did I do?” Hongjoong asked, wishing it would have come out a little less desperate. “I- I know I’m messy, and I always have my headphones in so I don’t hear you, but- I- I thought we were okay, I thought we were on the same page. I thought we were getting to be closer-” 

“We  _ are  _ close,” Seonghwa said quickly, his back pressed against the door, but his head hanging down, eyes on the floor. “I- I didn’t- It wasn’t because of you, I promise-” 

“You asked the manager to switch rooms,” Hongjoong reminded him. “That sounds like an issue with me.” 

“It’s not,” Seonghwa pressed, lifting his eyes that were pained. Hongjoong’s tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth-  _ Seonghwa  _ looking hurt. “Hongjoong, I- You-” He struggled with words, his accent slipped through as something built in his eyes. “I would consider you my friend- we’ve talked about so much-” 

“Then why did you want to switch?” Hongjoong questioned calmly, voice leveling out some. 

Because as much as he wanted to be annoyed, it made him shift uncomfortably now that Seonghwa looked like he was the one struggling. 

Seonghwa rolled his lips, looking like a deer in headlights, and Hongjoong’s arms fell from where they blocked his chest, his expression softening. But, the moment he went to prompt Seonghwa again, he blurted- 

“It’s my soulmark.” 

Hongjoong drew up short, bewilderment and then confusion racing across his face. “What about it?” he asked, not understanding how a soulmark could make him want to distance himself from Hongjoong. 

“I-” Seonghwa swallowed. “I don’t- I was- I don’t want people to see it.” 

Hongjoong’s confusion turned into something gentler, his chest squeezing. “I know that,” he said gently. “Seonghwa, I would never try and see it- you told us you didn’t want to show it-” 

“I know,” he said quickly, fingers wringing themselves. “But- But sometimes you come in the room without knocking, and I- I’m not usually getting dressed in here, but it- it stressed me out- I didn’t know what else to do.” 

Hongjoong blinked in surprise. Did he do that? He couldn’t quite recall whether he knocked or not- or whether he should have to knock or not, to his own room. 

“And I know it’s your room, too,” Seonghwa said without even breathing. “But- I-” 

Hongjoong’s throat closed up a little as he gazed at Seonghwa, hurt turning to understanding. “Seonghwa…” 

The other stared at Hongjoong, still looking scared, like he might yell at him. 

Hongjoong felt his own dose of shame hit his chest. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you felt like that.” He shook his head. “You could have told me, Seonghwa. I understand- it’s  _ your  _ soulmark. If you tell me not to look at it, I won’t. And I should have understood that meant knocking and making sure you were decent before I came in-” 

“No, it’s not your fault,” Seonghwa said hurriedly, hands coming up. “It’s just- It’s weird-” 

“No, it’s not, it’s reasonable,” Hongjoong said firmly. “Just because the rest of us are willing to show off our marks, doesn’t mean you should be. It’s your mark, and that’s a part of you- you get to decide who gets to see it.” 

Seonghwa had stared at Hongjoong in shock, and Hongjoong had honestly half expected the other to start crying, his eyes shining with something that almost seemed painful. 

Hongjoong had hugged him (going slow to wait for a sign of rejection). “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I should have thought harder about it.” 

“It’s- It’s fine,” Seonghwa said firmly, his voice stuttering and his hands shaking where they hugged Hongjoong back. “I should have talked with you about it, rather than trying to run.” 

Things were a little… not awkward, but  _ tilted  _ for a few months. Hongjoong and Seonghwa had to find their way around each other, and Hongjoong got used to knocking before entering, and telling the others to do the same. 

He understood when Seonghwa barely wanted to open the door for him to the bathroom when Hongjoong brought him the towel he had forgotten. 

Seonghwa spent a good while looking like he was waiting for Hongjoong to break something, but- with time- it faded into easy smiles and a routine they learned to perfect. 

And Hongjoong had gotten used to living around him, and his Thing about his soulmark. 

And Seonghwa got used to Hongjoong walking around with his on display, and staying up late at night for discussions on their soulmates. 

(Seonghwa was always so stilted, but when Hongjoong apologized and said he wouldn’t bring them up anymore, Seonghwa had simply replied with a quiet- “No, I… I like listening to you talk about yours… It’s okay.”) 

Hongjoong would smile at Seonghwa sometimes, feeling his chest bubble with warmth. “Your soulmate is lucky,” he said one night when both of them were sitting on Hongjoong’s bottom bunk, knees drawn up and the looming countdown of practice in the morning making them regret their insomnia. 

Seonghwa had choked on his own spit, managing to strangle out a furious question of- “ _ What _ ?”

Hongjoong had laughed, leaning back against the wall, staring off into the darkness. “Your soulmate is lucky… you treasure your soulmark so much… it’s really sweet.” 

Seonghwa had been so silent, Hongjoong was beginning to think he had said the wrong thing. An apology had been on the tip of his tongue, but Seonghwa spoke with a thick voice that made Hongjoong frown. 

“Your soulmate is- is lucky, too,” he said roughly. “You’re… You’re so proud of your mark… I hope one day you can show it off to them.” 

Hongjoong felt his heart swell at the thought, making him smile like a madman. “I hope you can, too.” 

Seonghwa quickly climbed into his bunk, stating that he was suddenly tired. But Hongjoong heard him tossing and turning well beyond when Hongjoong managed to fall asleep. 

Seonghwa was weird about soulmates and soulmarks. But you’d have to be insane to think he didn’t treasure his as preciously as Hongjoong treasured his own. 

They simply showed it in different ways. 

Hongjoong really did wish Seonghwa would find his soulmate- that he would be able to finally show that mark off to the one person who deserved to see it. 

He almost rooted for Seonghwa more than himself. 

(He always avoided the thought about that reveal and the consequences it would bring to Seonghwa’s dream of idoldom. Everytime.) 

He was sure Seonghwa got tired of Hongjoong talking about his soulmate, but everytime, he simply encouraged Hongjoong that he could say whatever he liked. 

Hongjoong was glad that he roomed with Seonghwa- with someone that he could share both soulmate and idol stresses with. 

He didn’t envy Yeosang’s headaches from his soulmate’s thoughts, but those were quickly dealt with Wooyoung dragged him to their room to rest, looking apologetic, like he was sorry he couldn’t do more. 

Jongho was always losing sleep over the dreams of his soulmate that were always in languages he couldn’t understand or remember, and that always put Mingi in sour moods, too. 

San and Yunho were usually peaceful, but there had been an uproar when Yunho found out that San’s eyes were actually two different colors, which he hadn’t realized when San had simply stated that his soulmark was his eyes. 

It wasn’t exactly easy to have soulmates, but Hongjoong figured that he and Seonghwa had it easier than some. 

No matter how weird or depressing their situations were. 

~~~~~~~~

There were usually at least two layers of protection between a soulmark and the public eye at all times. 

Usually: make up and a shirt that could over it. 

But sometimes, schedules got rushed- they were shoved from airplanes to vans to buildings, fighting their way through hundreds of people in America, and time didn’t permit them to be very careful. 

Like trying to get from the van that was making them late for their flight, to the actual airplane. 

Hongjoong’s long sleeve shirt was a comfortably loose button-up, a dark black color that ensured there was no danger of his soulmark showing despite the fact that there had been no time to apply any make up to it between their last schedule and getting in the van. 

They were shoved out in a huddled group, managers and security trying to keep back the fans who tried to swarm around them. Hongjoong had gotten pretty used to this part of life. 

There were those fans who stood at a distance and waved their signs, and there were those who tried to get close, to get pictures, to touch- Usually, their security was good enough to keep them back. 

Hands reached out and fingers barely brushed their arms as they passed, people just trying to get as close to their idols as possible. Hongjoong didn’t  _ usually  _ mind, even going out of his way to reach out and touch the hands that couldn’t reach them. 

His mind was a rush from the screaming and camera shutters clicking over the announcements of the airport- his vision tunneling to just focus on not running into Mingi in front of him. 

Someone called his name, and he turned to see a fan with a sign. He waved, catching a glimpse of Seonghwa a few feet behind him, being herded away from fans by guards who were spaced around them. 

He quickly turned around when he stumbled slightly, the guard beside him catching him, and then taking a step back to stop a girl from jerking forward. 

They were within sight of the terminal when Hongjoong felt his sleeve catch on something. 

He jerked to a stop before he could even tell what it was, turning and finding his sleeve caught in the hands of a girl who yanked on it. Hard. 

Hongjoong, of course, on instinct, tried to pull back, and the sound of delicate buttons popping off was lost in the scream of the fans as his shirt broke open, buttons hitting the floor. 

Hongjoong pulled harder, panicking, but that only opened the shirt father- the sleeve beginning to slide off of his shoulder- 

Hongjoong had barely registered the first break of his shirt before there was someone pressed to his side, a body curling around his arm- their own arms locked around him, holding Hongjoong’s shoulder to his chest. 

“Move,” Seonghwa urged at him, jerking them both forward, away from the mess of security and fans pressing against each other. 

They were suddenly surged to the front of the group by managers and security. 

Hongjoong stumbled along, barely realizing that Seonghwa was currently using his body as a barrier between Hongjoong’s soulmark and the hundreds of girls snapping pictures- his shirt practically torn off his body. 

It was a blur as they raced to the plane- managers yelling orders, and security guards split between them and keeping the crowd back. 

Seonghwa staying glued to his side as someone else handed over their tickets, his expression a hard mask of anger. 

In the actual plane, Hongjoong was shoved into his seat with Seonghwa sitting beside him where Yeosang had been assigned. The younger, though, didn’t even hesitate before taking Seonghwa’s seat two rows up. 

“Is there-” Seonghwa hadn’t even finished before another stylist was appearing with a jacket they stripped off their own shoulders. The manager and San stood, blocking the two from view as Seonghwa finally peeled himself back from Hongjoong, pushing the jacket at him.

He helped Hongjoong get his shaking his hands through the arms, zipping it up firmly to replace the broken barrier. Both of them finally breathed. 

Hongjoong suddenly snapped back to reality and realized what happened. “They just ripped- They grabbed-” He was still shaking a little- more from the panic than any real fear of being harmed by the girl. 

Well, harmed in any way other than the obliteration of his career. 

“Yeah,” Seonghwa said, voice darker than Hongjoong had ever heard it. Hongjoong stared at the anger he hadn’t thought Seonghwa capable of. “The audacity- How desperate do you have to be, what kind of person-” he continued muttering angrily, and Hongjoong let him without interrupting. 

He heard the manager calling the head of security, demanding to know what had just happened. 

When his anger had run dry into a fading adrenaline, Seonghwa leaned back in his seat, sighing harshly, still angry but less enraged. He was stiff- arms crossed over his chest, like he wanted to go back there and have a few choice words with that fan. 

Hongjoong stared in awe for a moment, glancing down at the leather jacket that was way too big for him. He could feel how his shirt still sat off of his shoulder. 

He just prayed that Seonghwa had covered it before anyone had seen it. 

“Thanks,” he said quietly as other passengers began settling in their seats. The other members kept glancing back at him, and Hongjoong smiled, nodding to show he was okay. 

Seonghwa nodded absently, eyes still dark where they stared at the seat. “It was nothing,” he said quietly, his voice no longer holding the anger Hongjoong could see in his limbs. 

“I mean, for before,” Hongjoong said lamely, rubbing his arms through the leather, swallowing thickly. “You got there quick, before I even realized what was happening. I don’t think anyone else even noticed what was going on.” 

Seonghwa closed his eyes, taking a slow breath and relaxing slowly. “What kind of people would ruin someone’s career just to catch a glimpse at something that has nothing to do with them?” he asked, voice pained, like he truly couldn’t believe how someone could be so cruel. 

Hongjoong’s heart skipped as the weight of it settled on his chest. If Seonghwa hadn’t covered the mark in time, if pictures had been taken of it and people knew what it was… his career really was over. 

An entire chunk of his life… wasted and over with. The best years of his life… destroyed. 

He glanced over at Seonghwa who was fixing his hair. 

All the people he cared so much about…  _ too  _ much about… gone. 

“Thanks,” he said again, voice a little unsteady. 

Seonghwa looked at him with eyes lightened with concern. “Are you alright? I didn’t ask…” Hongjoong nodded quickly. Seonghwa relaxed a bit. “Good. I… I just hope I blocked it in time.” 

Hongjoong wet his lips, trying to calm his heart. “Thank you… Really, Seonghwa.” 

The other looked like he was going to brush him off, but his expression softened before he turned away from Hongjoong quickly. “It’s none of their business, regardless of your career,” he muttered. “That kind of invasion of privacy is awful. Who you’ll love is yours to reveal.” 

Within a week, there were no pictures being released revealing Ateez’s leader’s soulmark. Everyone collectively breathed a sigh of relief. 

Hongjoong smiled at Seonghwa gratefully, who simply smiled back quietly, nodding in understanding and acceptance. 

Hongjoong’s skin went warm. But that was probably just adrenaline associated with the memory. 

~~~~~~~~~

It was late. Too late. 

Or early, he supposed. Even for them. 

Which is why it probably meant something bad that Wooyoung found Hongjoong awake, sitting alone in the living room, staring at his arm and touching the mark there gently. 

Hongjoong jumped at the sudden quiet appearance, Wooyoung pausing in the doorway in confusion on his way to get some water. Hongjoong quickly brought his hand down, like he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t. 

“Hey,” Hongjoong greeted casually, but much too quickly. 

Wooyoung watched him for a moment, wetting his lips as he nodded quietly. 

“When I first got my soulmark, when I was little,” Wooyoung said quietly, walking over to the sofa quietly, “I used to rub my wrist raw, just touching my string,” he confessed quietly, sitting across from Hongjoong. “It was… comforting,” he said carefully, “to touch it and remind myself that it was there. I stopped touching so much as I got used to it, but it’s still nice to remind myself it was there.”

He smiled at Hongjoong, and Hongjoong took it to mean what it did:  _ I get it.  _

Hongjoong had had his mark for a few years now, but he still acted as enraptured by it as the first time he saw it. He swallowed thickly, silently. 

He usually wouldn’t try and talk with any of the others about things like this. 

“Okay,” Wooyoung sighed, drawing his knees up in a mirror of Hongjoong’s position. “What are we doing out here at 4 in the morning?” 

Hongjoong chuckled, despite how sick he felt to his stomach. It died too quickly though. 

Wooyoung tilted his head curiously. “Can’t sleep?”

Hongjoong weighed his options, but shook his head slowly. “Not really, no.” 

Wooyoung hummed, like he was diagnosing a problem. “Why are you out here staring at your mark?” 

Wooyoung had always been a little too blunt. 

Hongjoong simply rested his chin on his knees, eyes flickering to his soulmark almost unconsciously. His stomach churned again with guilt. 

“Hyung, you look like you’re going to be sick,” the younger said, like Hongjoong might not have noticed the bile threatening to burn the back of his throat. 

Hongjoong really did try and keep his problems to himself. Maybe a little too much, but it was… it was hard to open up to someone he was supposed to be the one guiding. 

“Do you think…” His voice died out. Wooyoung frowned, looking a little more concerned. 

There was a long pause as Hongjoong’s eyes turned downcast, closing, then opening slowly, then looking up at Wooyoung, probably looking desperate and pathetic. 

Hongjoong wet his lips, swallowing, not meeting Wooyoung’s eyes. “Do you think... that it’s only possible to fall in love with your soulmate?” he whispered. 

Wooyoung was probably trying to remain calm, but his eyes blew so wide, Hongjoong might have laughed if he hadn’t felt so sick. “Hongjoong, are you-”

“No,” Hongjoong said quickly, but he wasn’t looking at Wooyoung. “No, I swear, I’m not. I’ve just been… I’ve just been thinking about it a lot lately.”

Wooyoung looked like Hongjoong had suddenly placed him in the middle of something he was not prepared for. “Don’t you… I mean, I’ll help how I can, but don’t you usually talk to Seonghwa about this stuff?”

Hongjoong choked on a laugh. He could not talk to Seonghwa about this. 

Seonghwa treasured his soulmate too ardently. He held them too delicately- Hongjoong didn’t want to know how he would see him, considering choosing someone over his soulmate entirely. 

It wasn’t that he  _ wanted  _ someone else, it was just- 

“He’s just… He hasn’t been sleeping well, so I don’t want to wake him with something so stupid. But it’s been... something I’ve thought about lately,” he confessed quietly, curling over his knees tighter. “Like. We’re never going to find our soulmates because we can never show off our soulmarks. But do you think… it’s  _ possible  _ to find someone… who isn’t your soulmate?” 

Wooyoung winced a bit, but recovered quickly. 

The younger bit the inside of his lip hard, one hand unconsciously rubbing at the string around his wrist. 

“Well,” he said quietly, looking like he was choosing his words very carefully. “I don’t know how satisfying the relationship would be,” he admitted honestly because that’s the only thing people like them had room for. “I know my mom used to date a lot before she found my dad, but she always said they weren’t anything compared to what a soulmate felt like.”

Hongjoong nodded, listening a little too intently, the creak of the dorm surrounding their quiet voices. 

Wooyoung tilted his head in consideration. “But I have a distant aunt who’s married to someone after her soulmate died. She never met him, so she doesn’t know how it compares to if he were her soulmate, but… she’s happy, I guess. So… I guess, you  _ could _ , but it seems like a situation of not knowing what you’re missing. You might think you’re happy with the person, but it would still only be half of what you could be having.” 

It was a daunting thought. 

Hongjoong’s expression hadn’t changed, still staring off into the distance. “What if you were okay with that?” he whispered. 

Wooyoung frowned in confusion, leaning forward. “Okay with what?” 

“Not knowing what you could have.” Hongjoong glanced up, expression impossible to label. “What if you were okay with just having the half-love?”

God, he must sound so pathetic right now. 

Wooyoung pressed his lips together. “Hongjoong, are you sure you’re not-” 

“I swear there isn’t anyone I’m thinking of,” he assured him quickly, looking away. “But when it’s the one thing they assure you can never have… you tend to think about it a lot.” His tongue tasted like ash. “I’m just… maybe one day when I’m too old to do this… maybe I’ll be too old to find my soulmate by then… so maybe I’ll have to settle.” 

“Hyung, it’ll be worth it,” Wooyoung burst in a quiet rush of whispers, leaning forward. Now he looked like the desperate one. “I know- I  _ know  _ it sucks, and we’re always being told we have to be alone, but- but even if it takes a lifetime, I  _ swear  _ to you, it’s so fucking worth it. The wait will  _ always  _ be worth it, you just have to be patient.” 

Hongjoong stared, slightly taken aback by the sudden reassurance that warmed Hongjoong’s icy fears, even as if confused him. His expression fell into something softer. “You believe it that much?”

Wooyoung sucked in a quick breath, glancing around like there might be someone hiding around them. “I… I know it’s worth it, hyung,” he said, like he was trying to keep his voice level. “Why would we bother with soulmates, if it wasn’t? Why would the world suffer so much for one person, if it wasn’t going to be worth it in the end?” 

Hongjoong still felt his stomach roll with emotions, but Wooyoung’s words at least managed to plant a little flame within his chest. Hongjoong held onto that, onto Wooyoung’s somehow-unshakeable belief. 

It had to be worth it. That was the point, wasn’t it?

Hongjoong nodded slowly, and Wooyoung looked relieved. 

They didn’t say anything else for the rest of the night. 

~~~~~~~~~

The dance practice they were filming finished late due to another schedule earlier in the day, so by the time they finished up recording, it was past midnight. They thanked the staff, helping them pack up the equipment. 

“I feel like I’m melting,” Mingi whined, peeling his sweat-soaked shirt away from his chest. 

“I guess it sucks to be you,” Seonghwa said primly, running a hand through his hair that wasn’t anything more than damp from the minimal sweat he produced. His shirt looked fine, too. 

Hongjoong narrowed his eyes, wiping off his own dripping forehead. He took some of the gross sweat-mixed make up from his cheek and swiped at Seonghwa with it. 

The eldest dodged with a yelp, giving him a warning look. “If you-” He was too busy threatening to see Yunho come up behind him and grab his arms. 

Seonghwa’s head whipped around to see who it was, and Hongjoong carefully poked his cheek with his wet finger. 

Seonghwa released a gutteral shrieked (a sound that Hongjoong had never heard from him before, and was sure he’d never hear again), thrashing in Yunho’s grip until he let him go. 

Seonghwa scrubbed at his cheek frantically with his shirt. “That is  _ disgusting _ !” he cried, glaring with the heat of the sun at Hongjoong. “I’m going to get  _ mono  _ now!” 

“You get mono from kissing,” Wooyoung pointed out, leaning against the wall and snickering.

“But we could do that instead,” Hongjoong offered, puckering his lips. Seonghwa shoved his face away, punching his back.

“If you  _ ever- _ ” he continued hitting him, ignoring his laughter and calls for him to stop- “try something like that  _ again- _ ”

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to stop before you break part of your team.” 

Seonghwa looked over at Eden who looked like he was barely holding back laughter. (He had been helping them monitor the new dance in relation to his newest track.) 

Seonghwa pointed at Hongjoong who had circled around the producer, peering over his shoulder with a grin. “Ground your kid!” Seonghwa burst, still rubbing the infected cheek. “And by that, I mean shove him through a meat grinder and watch him come out the other end!” 

San looked over from where he was untangling a wire, looking concerned, as if he wasn’t sure he had heard correctly. 

Eden snorted into his hand, but tried to gather his composure. “Well, I’d really love to-”

“ _ Hey _ !”

“But then I’d get arrested for child abuse.” 

“Yeah!” Hongjoong said triumphantly. 

“You’re free to do it, though, we’re not actually your kids,” Yeosang reminded him quietly from where he wheeled a speaker into place. 

“ _ What kind of friend are you _ ?”

“Guys, can we hurry up?” the manager called. “Some of us would like to get home before dawn.” 

Seonghwa pointed at Hongjoong and slowly drew his hand across his neck as he continued packing up. 

Hongjoong stuck his tongue out at his behind his back, which Eden flicked. He yelped, tucking it away, and Eden sighed. “I can’t tell if this was the best or worst combination of people to shove into a group together.” 

“Why can’t we be both?” Jongho asked, passing by with a camera. “I think it’s cool- meeting your greatest enemy and only friend in one place.” 

“What about Yunho?” Hongjoong demanded, aghast. “ _ He’s  _ my friend.” 

“He’s paid to be with you, he can’t get away from you,” Eden reminded him. 

“So is Seonghwa!” 

“But he rooms with you,” San pointed out. “He chooses to willingly spend time with you outside of paid hours.” 

Hongjoong stared in horror, clutching his heart. “So if given the opportunity-”

“Would we all ignore you?” Jongho said, straightening. “Yes, yes we would.” 

No one disputed him. Seonghwa just laughed cruelly, making Hongjoong simply drop to the ground, curling over his knees in a depression. 

“You guys are mean,” he muttered into his knees, feeling Seonghwa ruffle his hair as he passed. 

Hongjoong’s whines caused the manager to come over and personally drag him over to help them pack up. 

~~~~~~~~~

It wasn’t uncommon for them to arrive at the dorm at different times when they were doing individual practice. They simply left the company when they were done and headed home. 

Hongjoong walked towards the front doors of the building, his throat a little sore from the dry air and having to rap over and over for hours. 

He brightened, though, when he saw Seonghwa walking out as well, a bag slung over his shoulder. “Seonghwa!” Hongjoong sped up, not wanting to have to walk home alone. It was always better to have one of the others to walk with. 

Seonghwa smiled brightly, and Hongjoong had to wonder how he was always so ready with that smile. 

They walked the familiar path back to the door, talking about how their practices went. 

“It’s nice out,” Hongjoong said, staring up at the midnight (or the 2 AM) sky. “But it’s a little warm.” 

“You’re wearing a tank top and an overshirt,” Seonghwa laughed, lifting his own shoulders that were covered in a thick leather jacket. “How are you hot?” 

He shrugged primly. “I spent all day dancing in the room without AC- I want to feel the cool air.” 

He started shrugging off the overshirt he had on, but Seonghwa’s hand snapped over and stopped him, grabbing his arms firmly, eyes wide. 

“Are you crazy?” he hissed. “Your soulmark isn’t covered.” 

Hongjoong huffed, the overshirt almost feeling suffocating. “There’s no one around,” he said, gesturing around to the dark street they walked. “It’s the middle of the night. And I’m pretty sure I’ve still got some make up left on it from-” 

He tried to slip it off to check how much it was still covered, and Seonghwa held his hands firmly in place, eyes widening. 

“All it takes is one person looking through their window, or one student coming back from night classes,” he said quietly, pulling Hongjoong’s shirt on more firmly. “You can’t risk that.” 

It was firm. Absolute. And while the shirt felt like it was slowly constricting Hongjoong, he sighed, grabbing the shirt and pulling it closed over his chest. 

Even in the dead of night, it had to remain a secret. 

Hongjoong sighed, rolling his head back and staring up at the sky. Stars so startlingly similar to his tattoo shimmered back at him, like morse code trying to deliver him a message. 

Too bad he didn’t understand morse code. 

Hongjoong stared at the sky and continued to walk slowly, expression heavy and regretful. “I wonder if the sky is supposed to be my soulmate. That would be my luck.” 

There was silence that followed his dramatic statement. Hongjoong tilted his head back down to stare at his feet. 

Seonghwa was quiet long enough that Hongjoong glanced over, sure that he had said the wrong thing again and made it weird. 

But he found Seonghwa staring at him, looking what Hongjoong could only identify as about to cry. 

Hongjoong pressed his lips together. “Sorry,” he said quietly, turning away from Seonghwa quickly. “I always say things that make you uncomfortable-”

“You don’t,” Seonghwa said quickly. “I’ve told you before, Hongjoong- it’s not you, I just-” 

Hongjoong nodded quickly, already understanding, sticking his hands in his pockets. “I know, you’re just kinda weird about soulmarks. I just… I always feel like I make you uncomfortable when I talk about mine.” 

Because as much as Hongjoong loved to talk about his and wonder what they would be like or when they would meet… there was always a part of him that was scared he was crossing a line with Seonghwa. 

And Hongjoong didn’t want to do that. 

“I don’t have a problem with it,” Seonghwa said quietly, voice tight. “I promise, Hongjoong, I would  _ tell  _ you if I did. I just find it…  _ sad  _ that we always have to hide something that’s supposed to be visible so you can find someone who’ll love you.” 

Seonghwa dropped his eyes to the ground once more. Hongjoong’s stomach twisted. Even if Seonghwa chose to hide his mark, it must weigh on him just as heavily as it did on Hongjoong. 

He wondered if Seonghwa had ever considered finding anyone but his soulmate. 

Hongjoong paused their walk, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk and looked Seonghwa up and down when he stopped, glancing back at him. “Do you need a hug?” he offered quietly. 

They didn’t hug often, especially once they got used to their idol life and hidden marks. But Hongjoong would never hesitate to offer that comfort to him. 

Seonghwa laughed, scrubbing at his face roughly. “No, I’m fine.” 

His eyes suddenly seemed so much more tired, and Hongjoong ignored his blatant lie to step forward, taking his hand and pulling him forward. It was gentle enough that he could have broken away easily if he wanted to. 

(Seonghwa was good at escaping them when he didn’t want them.) 

But instead, he let himself be pulled until he was flush against Hongjoong. And really, when you put them together, their height differences weren’t that extreme.

Seonghwa stiffened for a moment, all his muscles seeming to seize up. 

Seonghwa sighed weakly against him as Hongjoong wrapped his arms around him comfortingly. 

Seonghwa didn’t wrap his around Hongjoong, though- simply leaned against him heavily, like he suddenly didn’t have the strength to hold himself up anymore. 

Hongjoong took his weight without complaint, the weight in his chest being a far more uncomfortable pressure to handle. His expression strained over Seonghwa’s shoulder. He hadn’t realized… whatever it was had gotten so bad. 

So heavy. 

That was okay. Hongjoong just shifted his feet to take more of the weight off of him. Seonghwa’s forehead rested against Hongjoong’s shoulder, both of them simply breathing silently for a moment. 

Hongjoong would stand there for as long as Seonghwa needed. Everyone deserved a chance to put their burdens on another for a moment. 

Seonghwa sniffed loudly- a bit pointedly- after a few moments, pulling away. He didn’t meet Hongjoong’s eyes, but his own were dry as he offered Hongjoong a twisted, wry smile. 

“Let’s go home,” he said quietly, holding himself together. He started walking without waiting for Hongjoong, but he simply caught up with him, walking beside Seonghwa on the last block to the dorms. 

Hongjoong didn’t try and prompt them into conversation. He simply walked beside Seonghwa, staring at the sidewalk before them. 

“It’ll be okay,” he said, right as their dorm came into view, his hands behind his back. 

Seonghwa didn’t respond, which was okay. 

Hongjoong simply glanced at him, wishing there was something more he could do, but he understood that Seonghwa’s problems were ultimately his own. 

Hongjoong couldn’t carry them for him. He could only try and do what he had always done, and hope that being there was enough- that supporting him was enough. 

“Whatever it is,” he murmured, not even sure Seonghwa was listening. “It’ll be okay. It always is.” 

They continued on in silence as they entered the dorm, shed their coats, showered, got ready for bed, and turned off the lights. 

Hongjoong kept telling himself that whatever was bothering Seonghwa was not his fault. And it worked, to keep him from spiralling into analyzing everything he had ever done to Seonghwa, but it still made his chest heavy as he flicked off the lights. Seonghwa was already in his bunk, back turned to Hongjoong. 

Hongjoong vaguely heard some of the others returning home, but they would know that the light being off meant they had already gone to bed. Hongjoong laid down, pulling his covers up. 

He battled with himself, wanting to be able to say one last thing of comfort to Seonghwa before he fell asleep, but his tongue was suddenly tying itself in knots. 

The ache in his chest at being helpless almost made his eyes burn- 

“Thank you,” Seonghwa whispered from the top bunk, and his voice sounded so unsteady, Hongjoong was sure he was at least on the verge of shedding tears. 

Hongjoong curled onto his side, lips pressing together against the urge to climb up there and hug him again. 

“Anytime,” he murmured back lamely, wanting to hit himself. “I… You can talk to me, Seonghwa,” he said, in lieu of remaining quiet and just letting them sleep. 

The top bunk was completely silent, not even the bed creaking. 

Hongjoong’s mouth tasted dry, and his skin felt too hot again. He absently rubbed at the mark underneath his shirt. 

“I… Even if I can’t understand, you can talk to me, Seonghwa, about anything,” he promised. “I know… I tend to unload a lot of stuff on you- and you  _ do  _ confide in me, but I-” He stared off into the darkness, chest twisting. “I feel like I use you a lot more. And you don’t  _ have  _ to tell me anything, but-” 

“Hongjoong.” 

His mouth clicked shut like Seonghwa had slammed it closed himself, holding his breath to wait for whatever statement or reprimand might follow the quiet, rough whisper that broadcasted the fact that Seonghwa was crying. 

“You…” His voice fluctuated, and it took everything in Hongjoong not to climb up with him. “You’re my closest friend… and you always have been,” he whispered hoarsely. “I trust you more than anyone on this planet. And you have never, in your life, done anything that could make me uncomfortable with you-”

It ended rather quickly, like Seonghwa was trying to stop his voice from giving out. 

And Hongjoong found his own eyes burning, something warm and thick running sluggishly through his veins- like swallowing something hot and feeling it burn its way down your throat for miles and miles. 

His skin definitely felt too hot. But Hongjoong didn’t move, his heart swelling until he felt like it might break. 

He almost wanted to laugh- the warmth in his veins feeling almost like happiness, but it was too thick. Hongjoong didn’t know what he was feeling, but he made him give a dry laugh that got caught in his throat as he wiped at his eyes. 

“What about when I throw my clothes on the floor?” he rasped, throat closing right up as he felt a new burn of tears in his eyes. 

It got worse when Seonghwa laughed wetly, brokenly- both of them a little too close to some unidentified edge. “That’s annoying,” he managed as his voice shook. “But not uncomfortable.” 

Hongjoong laughed, too, wiping at his eyes roughly, staring at the bottom of the bunk. “You wanted to switch rooms because of it,” he reminded him, a memory that seemed from so long ago. 

Seonghwa was quiet, and Hongjoong almost kicked himself, knowing that must have been crossing a line- 

“I would have spent the rest of our career regretting it,” Seonghwa said, voice too open, too honest. 

Hongjoong’s fingers rubbed idly at his tattoo, swallowing a rock in his throat that came from regret and that thick happiness burning his veins. 

“I’m so glad that I didn’t,” Seonghwa whispered, a little harsh and a little broken. 

Hongjoong stopped trying to wipe the tears, just letting them run down from the corners of his eyes as he stared up, wishing he could see Seonghwa right now. Wishing he could know exactly what sort of pain was going through it. 

“I’m glad you didn’t, too,” Hongjoong said, in place of anything productive. He closed his eyes tightly, biting the inside of his cheek to try and stop the steady flow down his cheeks. 

There was a silence that could have lasted the rest of the night. Hongjoong was prepared to let it. 

But he heard Seonghwa take a shuddered breath, and then there was a quiet, “Good night, Hongjoong.” And he heard the bed creak with Seonghwa turning over. 

Hongjoong opened his eyes into the darkness, and tried to say it back, but his lips moved without letting him voice words. He curled onto his side. 

The strangest thing was that it wasn’t sadness laying so heavily on him. The emotions running through his veins were neither positive nor negative. 

They were simply ruthless and countless. 

He didn’t fall asleep in a bad mood or with an ache in his chest. In fact, it almost felt like a weighted blanket settling over him as he closed his eyes. 

Something suffocating, but ultimately comforting pinning him down and forcing him to sleep. 

~~~~~~~~

Hongjoong always felt good after finishing up a performance. 

They got to take off at least some of their make up, they got to change into comfortable clothes, and they usually had a few minutes to unwind and eat a snack while the managers got the van ready. 

Hongjoong sat in a chair while the others bounced around, trying to keep up that energy for their next filming. He took a moment to lean his head back, stretching out the sore muscle there. 

He was tired, but not enough to really make him miserable. 

San getting ready to throw an empty paper cut at Mingi was making him more miserable. They were all dressed in their undershirts and dress pants (more comfortable than the ones they performed in), and Hongjoong wanted to warn San against accidentally spilling something on their shirts,but he couldn’t be bothered.    
Let him get in trouble, he would learn. 

The much more amusing part was Wooyoung aiming a grape at the back of Yeosang’s head. Yeosang didn’t even turn around from where he was tying his shoes. 

“Throw it, and we’ll exchange words back at the dorm,” was all he said, voice low with the threat.

Wooyoung huffed, tossing the grape in his mouth. “It’s not fair when you do that,” he muttered, put out by his fun being stopped. 

“Stop being so obvious,” Yeosang replied easily, standing up. 

San began looking a little too intent on throwing the cup. “San,” Hongjoong scolded as he stood up, walking over quickly and plucking it from his hands, ignoring his cry of disappointment. 

“There’s still orange juice in this, you’re going to stain his shirt,” Hongjoong said firmly, throwing the cup in the trash. 

“You ruin everything,” San muttered, flopping down in a chair and crossing his arms. 

Hongjoong rubbed at his eyes. “I’m too tired for this shit, can you guys please settle down?”

San stuck his tongue out as the door opened, and Seonghwa walked in, an iced americano in hand from wherever he had gone. 

He walked in so blissfully ignorant, but Hongjoong’s eyes lit up as a smile overtook his face. 

Seonghwa walked over to him, smiling back just as readily, but still having no idea. He simply brought the cup to his mouth and took a sip as he approached Hongjoong. 

“ _ Coffee _ ,” Hongjoong groaned gratefully, despite the fact that Seonghwa hated sharing his coffees. He had to act fast. 

His hand shot out skillfully, reaching to snatch it from Seonghwa’s unsuspecting grip. 

Unfortunately, Hongjoong was not as precise as his mind would have him believe, and rather than skillfully snatching it from his grip, Hongjong simply smacked it out of Seonghwa’s hand and sent it spilling down his front. 

There was a series of gasps around the room, hands jerking forward as Seonghwa gasped, and lifted a quiet glare at Hongjoong, whose hands were firmly covering his mouth in horror as a dark brown stained deep in his white undershirt. 

Hongjoong stood in shock, his hands pressed to his mouth and eyes wide with horror. “Seonghwa-” 

But the older was already huffing loosely, flicking coffee off his hands as his lips twitched, like he couldn’t bring himself to really get mad. “You owe me another coffee,” he said, voice way too light for someone who just had their coffee smacked from their hands. 

“Your shirt-” Hongjoong tried, his stomach twisting. He hadn’t mean to-

“It’s just an undershirt,” Seonghwa assured him. “We’ve ruined them worse with sweat.” He laughed to himself, looking at Hongjoong like he couldn’t believe him. 

The others had already broken down into laughter, and even if Hongjoong’s brain still told him to never let this go, he found himself smiling weakly as well. 

“Here, hyung,” San managed around his snorting, handing an extra shirt from one of their bags. “You can change into this.” He gave a quick glare that was broken by a hilarious smile. “ _ You’re going to stain his shirt- _ ” 

Hongjoong smacked him, and San went back to sit and laugh next to Yunho, Hongjoong still feeling his face burn with embarrassment. 

“I really didn’t mean to hit it,” he assured him. 

Seonghwa huffed, rolling his eyes. “Of course, you didn’t- You’ve got the hand-eye coordination of a baby elk.” 

Hongjoong gasped in wordless offense, mouth flapping as Seonghwa snorted, shaking his head. Hongjoong crossed his arms pointedly. “Well, it was probably an improvement to that shirt anyway.” 

Seonghwa flicked coffee at him, which would have completely defeated the purpose of anyone keeping any of their shirts clean. Hongjoong leapt back, glaring as Seonghwa snickered. 

“Asshole.” 

“Well, at least I’m not-”

“Boys, time to go,” the manager said, coming in quickly, gesturing for them to grab their things. “Come on, let’s go, let’s go-” He pinwheeled his arms, gesturing for them to hurry. “Hurry up, we don’t want to get caught in traffic.” 

His eyes fell on Seonghwa and he groaned. “Seonghwa, hurry up and change- meet us at the van- Grab the bag and  _ let’s go _ , Wooyoung,” he urged. 

Everyone filed out, Seonghwa shoving Hongjoong towards the door and telling him not to worry about his stupid coffee. “I’ll catch up in a second,” he told him. 

Hongjoong moved with the others, still feeling a little guilty, but their schedule did not have a time slot for pity parties, so he hurried towards the front door of the building where he could see their van sitting just in front of. 

His bag was slung over his shoulder, his phone in his pocket- 

Hongjoong suddenly gasped, coming to a stop and feeling his pocket. “My charger!” He shoved a hand in his pocket and found nothing. Yeosang stopped halfway through the door to outside. 

“Hurry up,” the manager ordered, gesturing him back towards the dressing room. “And get Seonghwa out here quickly, too!” 

Hongjoong nodded, turning and running off back down the hall. He  _ hated  _ being the one to leave things. 

Hongjoong whipped around a corner, apologizing to the man he almost ran into. He made it back to the dressing room in record time, throwing open the door. “I forgot my-”

There were three very concerning things that he registered at the exact same time. 

One: Seonghwa was shirtless, his back turned to the door and San’s shirt in his hands, about to be put over his head. 

Two: Seonghwa’s patch was not in place, having been taken off after their performance. 

And three: the part that made his lungs freeze and his heart seize, was the little collection of stars at the base of Seonghwa’s back.

That if you closed one eye and squinted, could look like a flower. 

Something like a rose. 

Hongjoong felt something like electricity rocket through his body, congregating at the points drawn in his skin on his arm. He hissed, a hand leaping up to press against it. 

Seonghwa tensed, hand brushing over the mark on his back like he had felt something similar. 

He suddenly whipped around, shirt dropping from his hands, and Hongjoong stared without even being able to take a breath. 

“Hongjoong!” He couldn’t tell if his yell was of embarrassment or fear or if he was about to cry. 

_ Do something, stop staring, say something-  _

Seonghwa’s eyes were wide, and a million emotions warred on his face, making Hongjoong sick just by looking at it. 

Another spike of electricity, and he squeezed his arm painfully tight, holding the tattoo roughly. His skin felt too hot. 

But he felt like he had just been dunked in an ice bath. “Your back…” 

It was a hoarse, blank whisper that held too many emotions that painted it a dull grey. 

Seonghwa’s eyes widened as he snatched the shirt from the floor, stepping backwards until there was an entire room separating them, his back pressed against the far wall, like that could stop Hongjoong from seeing the image burned into his eyelids. 

The constellation. 

Seonghwa had- 

Seonghwa was staring at him, like Hongjoong was staring at him, except Hongjoong wasn’t staring at him like he was afraid. 

Like a mistake had been made. 

Seonghwa couldn’t seem to look away, standing there- frozen, shocked, scared, and his  _ soulmate _ . 

“You need to go.” 

The ice bath suddenly became painful, biting into Hongjoong’s skin. He blinked, the trance broken as reality slammed into him like an ocean tidal wave. 

That couldn’t be right. Hongjoong stared, confusion barely registering in his eyes. “What?” he whispered hoarsely.

Seonghwa clutched the shirt harder, his eyes shining. “Hongjoong, you need to go.  _ Now _ .” 

Hongjoong’s breath punched out of him painfully. He stared in shock. “Seonghwa, you-”

“ _ Leave _ !” he yelled, pointing harshly at the door. 

It was so funny. 

Because Seonghwa had ordered them all around so much and no matter how angry or exasperated he got, they never felt the least bit compelled to obey him. 

But when this order came roaring out, Hongjoong turned on his heel and ran. 

Maybe Hongjoong thought if he got enough distance, the pain in his chest would lessen. 

It didn’t. 

It raged even harder, a burning poison rushing through his veins and scarring his insides. 

Yeosang was still waiting outside the car, looking for them, when Hongjoong came sprinting out like something was chasing him. 

“About time,” the younger sighed. “Where’s-” 

He froze when he saw the state of the other, Hongjoong practically running into him. 

“What happened?” he demanded, grabbing Hongjoong’s arm to ensure the other didn’t fall. 

He was pale and shaking and there was something in his eyes that made Yeosang’s skin crawl. 

Hongjoong stared at the ground as he panted, vision tunneling, and hands shaking as he grabbed onto the younger’s arm weakly. 

“I’m going to throw up,” he said quietly, voice shaking. 

That was all the warning Yeosang got before Hongjoong doubled over, vomiting on the sidewalk. 

Hongjoong was vaguely aware of Yeosang calling for someone, pulling Hongjoong away from the mess and helping him kneel on the ground when his knees gave out. 

He could feel- like a ghost sensation- Yeosang rubbing his back and saying something that was probably meant to comfort him. 

He tried to focus on Yeosang’s voice, but it sounded like he was in a tunnel with too many sounds, harsh words beating around his skull painfully. 

_ Soulmate _ . 

_ Leave _ . 

Seonghwa was his soulmate. 

Of this, he was sure. There was something in his brain that had lit up when he saw that mark, the electricity that had burned his insides. 

He could barely make out Yeosang (and someone else) saying something about going back to the dorm, but Hongjoong was helped up and put into a separate car that wasn’t the van taking the others to the stage. 

He closed his eyes, trying not to throw up again as everything felt too bright, too loud, too tight, too hot- 

Seonghwa told him to leave. 

He had looked so afraid. 

_ Why  _ had he told him to leave? Why did he reject- Why did Seonghwa yell- 

Hongjoong didn’t know if he fell asleep or if he fell unconscious, but he was grateful for it. 

~~~~~~~~

Wooyoung heard the door open, and it was immediately followed by three people shushing him, like he was the one who had made the noise. 

“Is it hyung?” Yunho questioned quietly, worriedly. 

Seonghwa had completed their filming (which was cut short because of how off everyone felt after Hongjoong’s sudden illness) and then immediately gone on a walk without saying a word. He’d ignored their calls as the hour grew later and later. 

Everything felt off. Felt wrong. 

Hongjoong was asleep in his room, Seonghwa was missing, and no one knew what was going on. They were just gathered in the living room, Yeosang pressed against Wooyoung’s side on the couch with San laying across their laps. 

Seonghwa had been gone for hours, now, and all of them held their breath, waiting to see. 

No one understood why Hongjoong had suddenly gotten sick, but he didn’t have a fever and he didn’t seem to be in danger of throwing up again (at least, they hadn’t heard him sprint from his room where he was resting to the bathroom to vomit again).

It didn’t stop them all from being gathered in the living room at 4 in the morning. 

Seonghwa walked passed the living room, stopping at the six of them gathered there, like he hadn’t thought anyone would be up. 

They had all seen Seonghwa on no sleep, running around with only minutes to get things done, falling apart at the seams from the stress of it all, but he had always remained very composed. 

He was always the oldest, the most put together, the one they could look at and believe they could push through. 

The man before them was falling apart. 

His eyes were red-rimmed, dark circles under his eyes, his hair a mess, and his clothing crumpled like he had been messing with it. 

He looked so much worse than the type of stress they had seen during the filming.

“Hyung,” Jongho said, standing, his somber expression changing to concern. “What happened?” he demanded, though it was too quiet. “Are you sick too? Was it something in the food? Didn’t you and Hongjoong both eat-” 

Seonghwa flinched so violently, Jongho stopped talking, Wooyoung getting to his feet as his stomach clenched. 

Seonghwa entered the living room slowly, not looking any of them in the eyes. 

Yeosang stood as well, until all of them were standing, waiting for a sign for what to do. “What happened to you?” Yeosang asked quietly, expression twisted. “Why did you run off?” 

Seonghwa didn’t meet his eyes, but slowly looked up, eyes a heavy sort of haunted. “Is Hongjoong here?” he sounded like he had swallowed nails. 

“We told you, they brought him straight home after he got sick,” Yunho spoke up, nodding his head towards their bedroom. 

Seonghwa nodded, which didn’t seem to make much sense, swaying on his feet slightly. 

“Sit down,” Wooyoung said quickly, using the barest of touchest to direct him towards the chair he had been sitting in before. 

Seonghwa didn’t fight it, allowing herself to be seated, falling into the chair a little too heavier. He dropped his head into his hands, face covered by shaking fingers. . 

“Get him some tea,” Yunho ordered Jongho, who left without complaint. “Seonghwa, what the hell-”

“We need to talk,” he said quietly, voice muffled through his hands, strained and weak- like he had been ill for a week. “All of us,” he murmured. “Maybe. I need to talk to Hongjoong first.” 

His voice came in stilted starts and stops that made Wooyoung want to call a manager and have him bring both his hyungs to the hospital or something. 

“Hongjoong hasn’t woken up since we got home,” San told him, looking scared. “He was pretty out of it.” 

“I have to talk to him,” he repeated firmly, like this was the one thing he knew for certain. “It’s important.” 

“About what?” Yeosang coaxed, frowning in confusion as he crouched beside Seonghwa. “Hyung, come on, you know you can trust us. Are you in some sort of trouble?” Seonghwa shook his head. “Then what’s so important?” he coaxed gently. 

“He’s my soulmate.” 

Seven heads snapped around, seeing Hongjoong standing in the mouth of the hallway, leaning against the doorframe slightly for support. 

Seonghwa felt that arc of electricity travel down his back once more, but he didn’t even give it a moment’s thought before Hongjoong was staring and he was  _ angry _ . 

Hongjoong walked into the silence that had fallen in the living room.

Wooyoung tried to say something when he swayed unsteadily, but he fell silent on his own, glancing between the two of them. 

“And he never told me.” 

There was anger in his voice, and Seonghwa felt his eyes prickle. 

“Hongjoong-” He swallowed thickly. “I couldn’t-” His voice broke and he pressed his lips together. 

Hongjoong’s statement finally reached the others in the room, piercing through the confusion. 

_ Holy- _

“That’s not possible,” Yunho whispered in shock, looking between the two of them rapidly. “There’s no way-”

Seonghwa stood suddenly, turning his back to the room and lifted the end of his shirt just enough to show the little constellation gathered on the small of his back. 

Wooyoung might have felt more shocked, seeing Seonghwa- who had been so secretive about his mark- showing it off, but he only stared at the little tattoo. 

One they all recognized. But not from Seonghwa. 

“Did you just get that?” San asked numbly, looking like he was grasping at straws. “When did you get it? You couldn’t have had it-”

“I’ve had it since before I met any of you,” he said, sounding like a man on trial admitting their guilt. He dropped the shirt. “I knew that Hongjoong’s was the same. I knew we were soulmates since he got his mark. I knew.” 

It was rough. But solid and impossible to misconstrue. Impossible to misunderstand. 

Wooyoung’s eyes were wide as he stared at Seonghwa. His stomach churned. 

“Why didn’t you  _ say anything _ ?” Hongjoong demanded, grabbing the back of a chair until his knuckles turned white. 

He was shaking a little, like a tremor of rage traveling through him like a current. 

“We’ve known each other for  _ years _ ,” he hissed. “You spent years listening to me, seeing a mark that you  _ knew- _ ” He broke off, taking a moment, pressing his lips together. 

Wooyoung could only hope no one cried because that just might break something. 

“Was it funny to you?” Hongjoong demanded weakly, sounding too close to breaking. “Holding that over my head? Knowing we were soulmates and you were just going to bide your time until-”

“No.” Seonghwa looked exhausted, but he was calm. Too calm. It looked like after you had finished crying and punching, and you were just too tired to keep it up. “Hongjoong, you know me, I would never-”

“Then why didn’t you _ tell me _ ?” Hongjoong yelled suddenly, making Yunho hold a hand out to placate the anger. “You  _ heard me _ ,” Hongjoong shouted, fist formed. “I spent  _ years  _ talking to you about how much I wanted my soulmate-”

“And you don’t think that hurt me like nothing ever could?” Seonghwa snapped, everything falling quiet for a moment. He stared at Hongjoong like there was a knife in his chest. “Knowing how badly we both wanted to know each other, but that we  _ never could _ ?”

“You could have said something-” Hongjoong snapped.

“Hongjoong, do you not understand the position I was put in, knowing what we were?” he demanded, pressing a hand to his chest. “I was suddenly looking at my  _ soulmate  _ who was an idol- newly formed and in a rocky position- and I knew I could never be with you!”

This was too much. Too personal. Too harsh- 

Yeosang’s hand slipped into Wooyoung’s as they watched their hyungs in fearful disbelief. 

“I couldn’t risk your dreams by telling you I was your soulmate,” Seonghwa burst, shaking his head sharply. “They would have kicked us both out if they found out- I couldn’t do that to you!” He swallowed hard, voice quieting. 

His expression softened, and Wooyoung’s heart clenched. 

“You wanted to be an idol so  _ badly _ ,” Seonghwa said, voice too dull after the yelling. “We had all worked too hard- You were so excited for it. If I said something… If someone found out… If they found out we were both soulmates… I couldn’t… I couldn’t risk that dream.” His voice faded to a whisper. 

“Then why didn’t you just  _ leave _ ?” Hongjoong spat, betrayal working its way through the anger. “My  _ dream  _ would have been  _ fine _ .” Six pairs of eyes snapped to him in horror. 

Seonghwa laughed humorlessly. “I considered it,” he admitted weakly. 

Six pairs of eyes snapped to him. 

Seonghwa stared at Hongjoong, and Wooyoung waited for when he would break and look away, but he didn’t. “After I saw your mark, I considered just leaving. Just living my dream out somewhere else where I wouldn’t hurt anyone. And maybe just trying to find you again later.” 

Yeosang winced beside him, Mingi looked ready to be sick. 

Seonghwa laughed again. “But I got selfish,” he admitted, like it was the saddest thing he had heard. “I found more reasons to stay here than just fulfilling a dream.” 

He gestured around the room, Wooyoung feeling like he had been punched in the chest, a burning pressure behind his eyes. 

“I met all of you,” he admitted quietly. “I got to know you better, Hongjoong. And… I got attached too quickly,” he whispered weakly. “And the more I got to know you, Hongjoong…” He looked at Hongjoong like he was the only person in the room. “The more I was certain that there was no way I’d be able to leave. I just… I couldn’t. I was selfish, and I’m sorry... but I couldn’t.” 

The silence around the room could have suffocated them, pressing into his lungs and ears like cotton, muting the world around them. 

Seonghwa closed his eyes, his shoulder shaking a little, looking like he was about to cry. Yeosang’s hand crushed Wooyoung’s. 

“I’m sorry,” Seonghwa whispered, and when he opened his eyes, tears burned paths down his cheeks. 

Wooyoung couldn’t remember a time he had seen Seonghwa cry like this. Not like this. 

“You came in today… you saw it…” Seonghwa swallowed thickly. “And I panicked. I only knew that people couldn’t find out. So I told you to go.” 

Pieces began clicking into place, but Hongjoong’s face remained a pale, hard mask of anger that wouldn’t be cracked by Seonghwa’s continuous tears. 

“And you got sick… and I knew it was my fault,” he managed around his thick voice. “But I was too terrified to properly say anything, to talk to you.” His fists curled at his side, but they were anything but angry. “I was too cowardly to try and fix  _ my  _ mistake… and even now, I can’t even find it in myself to try and excuse what I did…”

Seonghwa blinked, another tear falling, and Wooyoung was suddenly wracking his brain for what the hell they were supposed to  _ do _ . 

How the hell did you fix something like this?

Seonghwa straightened a little, sucking in a sharp breath, trying to compose himself. His voice came out calmer, though it still dragged with regret so deep, it burned. “I can only tell you that I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was protecting you...” He swallowed. “But I see now that I shouldn’t have held that from you. You had a right to know.” 

Another beat of silence. 

“I’m sorry, Hongjoong,” He whispered weakly. 

Hongjoong said nothing, his lips trembling as his eyes burned with anger. 

Seonghwa swallowed hard, wiping at his eyes quickly and nodding firmly. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I hope one day you might be able to forgive me, but I won’t anticipate it.” He bowed once, low at the waist- something none of them had  _ ever  _ done- and was gone before any of them could even think to try and stop him. 

The front door opened and closed so quietly, Wooyoung almost missed it. 

Where was Seonghwa going to go? It was 4 AM- where was he- 

Their eyes stared where Seonghwa had stood a moment ago, and then slowly turned to Hongjoong who was looking so conflicted it hurt to watch. 

He eventually closed his eyes and turned around. “I’m going back to bed,” he muttered. 

His bedroom-  _ their  _ bedroom- door closed loudly, and Wooyoung was suddenly running to the front door, tearing it open. 

“Seonghwa!” The man glanced back where he was about to go down the stairs. “Where are you going?” he demanded. “It’s-” 

“I have a friend a few streets over,” Seonghwa said, voice heavy and dull. “I think it’s best if I stay there for a while.” 

Wooyoung didn’t have the heart to stop him as he walked down the stairs and out of sight. He rubbed absently at the string around his wrist, chest twisting. 

He couldn’t even begin to say who he felt worse for. 


	2. I Look, Suddenly My Dream Was You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this was rushed, but I’m okay with how it turned out! Let me know what you think, though!  
> This was super fun, and I’m so glad it won the poll!  
> Thank you for all the love this for, and please let me know what you think!  
> Thank you, lovelies~~  
> (And Sorry for all the angst~)  
> -SS

Seonghwa spent three days avoiding the dorm- and no one could bring themselves to stop him from spending his nights at the friend’s house. He showed up, ready for schedules each morning, for three days. 

For three days, he and Hongjoong didn’t so much as look at each other- the weight around them pressing too heavily, too horribly, for anyone to be able to attempt to lighten it. 

Managers scolded them for their expressions, PDs told them to brighten up, and instructors were ruthless in telling them to put some life in their dance. 

No one could bring themselves to do a thing about it for three days. 

The most any of them had been able to offer was a quiet hand on Hongjoong’s shoulder that was stiff and cold. Quiet eyes and gentle voices pressing against the hardness of his betrayal. 

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Wooyoung would whisper, unable to manage anything else. 

Hongjoong would not allow anything else to be said, simply nodding and brushing off their hands to move on to something else. 

Yeosang had stood before him during practice, eyes pained. “He… He never would have done it to hurt you. You know th-” 

Hongjoong would turn away before he could even finish. He never snapped at them, but he rarely listened for more than a few words at a time, something in his eyes cracking a little deeper at each attempt to comfort. 

On the fourth day, Seonghwa did not show up when the manager arrived to pick them up. Their only schedule was dance practice, and they were told not to worry about it. 

“Where is he?” Jongho whispered, looking scared. 

No one could begin to fathom. Wooyoung glanced at Yeosang who just shook his head. “It’ll be okay. He’s been looking so bad, lately, he probably made himself sick.” They glanced at Hongjoong to check his reaction. 

He just stared blankly at the wall until they were told they could leave. 

They were dropped back off at the dorm, and Wooyoung grabbed their manager’s sleeve before he left. 

“Where’s Seonghwa?” Wooyoung asked, blunt and demanding. “We haven’t heard from him.” 

The manager watched him for a moment, as if trying to decide. “You guys aren’t supposed to know-” 

“Where’s our hyung?” Wooyoung demanded again, knowing that one of the others was likely about to step in about him being so rude, but fear overruled social hierarchies. 

The manager didn’t glare at him. In fact, his expression softened as he lowered his head regretfully, sighing heavily. “There’s going to be an official meeting later this week. But you guys deserve to know beforehand-”

Wooyoung’s stomach dropped. 

Six people behind him stared in frightened apprehension. 

“Seonghwa held a meeting with the managers, requesting to terminate his contract. We’re deliberating now, and they're going to hold a meeting with all of you by next week.” 

Wooyoung flinched, feeling like he had just been punched in the gut. He heard various yells from behind him- either outraged or confused. 

_ Terminate his contract…  _

The words felt like a curse on his tongue. The ground seemed less steady than it had before. 

This couldn’t be happening happen. 

They couldn’t  _ let  _ this happen. What the hell was he  _ thinking-  _

Soulmates aside, Seonghwa was their  _ friend _ . Their  _ family _ \- 

Hongjoong had seemed to have forgotten that. 

Wooyoung watched their leader stare at the manager with tired, worn out eyes as he turned silently and headed into the dorm while the rest of them demanded details the manager couldn’t give. 

The manager left, apologizing and telling them to get some rest. 

Hongjoong stood in the living room, something so dead and apathetic in his eyes, it made Wooyoung’s stomach clench. 

“Hyung, he can’t-” 

Hongjoong ignored Jongho’s burst, turning slowly and simply walking away, as if the news was of no importance to him. 

Wooyoung and Yeosang stood in their room silently, Yeosang’s brow creased in that way it always did. 

“This  _ isn’t  _ happening,” he suddenly snapped, tired eyes blazing to life. “I don’t give a shit how hurt Hongjoong is- we aren’t letting this happen.” 

They couldn’t lose a friend. Not after so long, not over something so- 

Well,it was far from little. It was so many layers of fucked up it was hard to see where anything would end- but it was Seonghwa. 

Their friend. Their  _ family _ . 

They refused to let anyone get left behind- especially when it was no one’s  _ fault _ . 

There were two people, in two impossible positions, and it wasn’t his  _ fault _ . 

Wooyoung squeezed Yeosang’s arm. “Do you have a plan?” 

Yeosang’s expression was firm and angry. “No, but that’s not going to stop me from tearing hyung apart.” 

~~~~~~~

It was easy to corner Hongjoong in the kitchen after the others had retired to their rooms the next day. 

Hongjoong looked up from where he was making eggs to see Yeosang standing near the doorway, and turned away stiffly. “I’m not listening to-”

“You are never going to see Seonghwa again.” 

Hongjoong’s hand froze where it had been preparing to flip the egg. His body stiffened like a wire wound too tight. 

Yeosang stared at his back from the doorway. “Because he wants to terminate his contract, thinking you hate him, and he is going to leave.” 

Hongjoong’s shoulders tightened before he continue his cooking. “And?” he asked, trying for nonchalance. 

Yeosang approached slowly, leveling Hongjoong with a look that spoke of the full volumes of his disappointment. Which was a lot. “ _ And _ , Seonghwa just gave up his dream for your comfort.” He grit his teeth. “Hyung, I’m not saying this to guilt trip you, but you need to realize the consequences of your fight- Seonghwa is going to  _ leave _ .” 

“That’s his choice.” Hongjoong placed the egg on a plate, too roughly, breaking the yolk as he tossed down the spatula. 

Yeosang stared in shock that morphed into anger. He knew that Hongjoong was hurt, knew that he had been betrayed- but he had at least expected him to be  _ reasonable _ . 

“He was prepared to give up his dream for yours, before it ever began,” Yeosang said sharply. “And now that he actually has, you have nothing else to say? He did this for  _ you _ , Hongjoong.” 

“I didn’t ask him to,” Hongjoong muttered sharply, sitting his plate on the table. “And we’re done talking about this. Seonghwa can do whatever he wants. He’s been doing that for years.” 

Yeosang could hear the pain behind his anger. 

He didn't particularly care at the moment. 

“Are you really so selfish?” the younger demanded. “Would you have considered giving up being an idol for Seonghwa?”

“ _ I  _ wouldn’t have hidden the fact we were soulmates to begin with!” Hongjoong snapped, whipping around, seething and cracking. 

“So you would have revealed it and potentially destroyed  _ both _ your dreams? Your potential careers?” Yeosang posed stiffly. “You would have decided that it didn’t matter the consequences? You would have been happy to give up your status as an idol to be with him?”

Hongjoong was shaking again, staring at Yeosang like he wanted to snap, but nothing was coming out. 

Yeosang shook his head. “Hongjoong, we both know, at the beginning, that if something had threatened your dream, you would have hated it- or at the very least, come to resent it. You’ve admitted to choosing idol life over your soulmate. Seonghwa took a shot in the dark, but ultimately, he made the right choice.” 

Hongjoong scoffed, completely disregarding him. 

“He tried to stay with you!” Yeosang snapped. “He was willing to give up his dream to save your own, and when he couldn't- he risked  _ everything _ to stay with you-” 

“ _ I had a right to know _ !” Hongjoong yelled, fist hitting the table. “Stop acting like I’m making a big deal out of nothing! He hid this from me for  _ years _ ! He practically  _ taunted _ me with it-  _ every time  _ we talked about our soulmates!” 

Anger began to mask the pain and hurt, but Hongjoong's eyes couldn't lie. 

“I’m not saying you don’t have a right to be angry,” Yeosang said, after a calming breath, leaning against the table. “But I’m also saying that you need to try and see this from Seonghwa’s point of view. He did what he thought was best. What you wouldn’t have been able to.”

Hongjoong's jaw tightened. Yeosang kept waiting for him to walk away, but he never did. He just stood there, angry and hurt. 

Yeosang couldn't imagine the betrayal he felt. 

But he also knew that pain made people do stupid things. 

“Seonghwa tried to save both your dreams, tried to stay close to you- knowing that maybe one day at the end of it all, you might be able to be together. Even now, he’s  _ still _ protecting your dream by finally doing what he thought he should have done in the beginning.”

“I’m not talking about our careers! Or our dreams!” Hongjoong snapped. “I’m talking about how he held this over my head, like some sort of blackmail. He went through all these years  _ knowing _ \- and he did nothing,” he spat. 

Yeosang shook his head, but Hongjoong barely noticed

“So,  _ clearly _ this whole soulmate thing wasn’t worth as much to him as I thought it was-” His voice almost cracked, but he simply glared. “He knew I was his soulmate, but apparently he didn’t actually want his bad enough to actually fight for it.” He lowered his eyes to stare burning holes in the table. 

Yeosang scoffed, shocked into momentary silence. “You’re kidding, right?” 

Hongjoong glared at him. “He spent years in silence about this. Do you really think he’s at all interested in being with me? At no point did he even consider asking me what  _ I _ wanted. Which means it was nothing but a  _ lie _ to him- he didn't even give me a  _ choice _ \- Do you expect me to believe he  _ ever _ cared, even knowing I was his soulmate?” 

“Oh, you cannot be that blind!” Yeosang cried, feeling the urge to slap the other. “He  _ stayed  _ because he couldn’t bear the thought of leaving you behind. Do you not understand what Seonghwa has been doing the past how-many years? Do you understand what he’s  _ doing now _ , Hongjoong? He’s trying to  _ terminate his contract _ -”

Hongjoong scoffed, but Yeosang simply spoke over him- “He’s giving up his  _ dream  _ for you, Hongjoong. He’s giving up  _ us  _ for you. He’s giving up  _ you  _ for you.” 

“He-”

“Stop being an idol.” 

Hongjoong came up short, anger and hurt breaking way under stunned confusion as Yeosang stared harshly. “ _ What _ ?”

“Give up being an idol,” Yeosang snapped. “Right now. Go ask the managers to terminate your contract.” 

“Why would I do that?” Hongjoong demanded, recoiling a step- like the thought of it was a burning poison. 

“So that maybe you’ll get your head out of your  _ ass _ and see what it is Seonghwa gave up so you could keep being one.” 

Hongjoong winced, trying to keep a burning glare at Yeosang, but he had no retort. 

And it  _ hurt _ because Yeosang could see the pain in his eyes, and he empathized-  _ God _ , did he hate to see Hongjoong like this. 

He knew that the betrayal he felt for his soulmate hurt like nothing else ever could, and he knew that pain inflicted by a soulmate was worse than anything else- 

The ache in Hongjoong’s blood was like nothing he would ever experience, except at the hands of his soulmate. 

But Yeosang also knew that Hongjoong’s other half was feeling the same way. 

That Seonghwa had known who his soulmate was, but had distanced himself from him- day after day, for years. That Seonghwa had listened to Hongjoong wistfully speak about his soulmate, and had to hold his tongue while hiding away the part of him that would have wanted nothing more than to reach out to Hongjoong. 

Seonghwa had gone through pain, too. 

Seonghwa was hurting, too. 

Seonghwa deserved happiness, too. 

“I understand you’re hurting,” Yeosang said heavily, voice turning a little rough. “But if you look back in all the years we’ve known Seonghwa and can tell me that you think he didn’t care for you differently than he cared for all of us, than maybe you  _ shouldn’t  _ be with him because he deserves better than someone that selfish.” 

Hongjoong flinched, his hands curling into fists that pressed against his chest. When he stared at the ground, it was with pain and betrayal that finally had silence the anger. 

His shoulders seemed too heavy. 

Yeosang pushed off the table, stepping forward. “Think about what it is you were willing to give up to get what you’ve wanted. Think about what Seonghwa didn’t want to give up, and what he  _ was  _ willing to give up. After all that, then you can keep moping around. But until then, I don’t want you acting like you’re the only victim of all this.” 

Hongjoong's head shot up, but Yeosang didn't even look at him as he brushed past him. 

He walked towards the door without looking back. 

He resisted the urge to turn around to see Hongjoong’s reaction, but he was honestly a little scared for what he might see. 

So he kept walking until he got to his bedroom where Wooyoung was already asleep, and sat on his bed, knowing he wasn’t going to be getting any sleep tonight. 

Especially not after he heard the front door open and close. 

~~~~~~~~

Seonghwa wasn’t sleeping. 

He was performing his recent early morning ritual (that came after nights of no sleep where he woke up at 4) of staring at his phone and trying to gather the courage to call his parents to tell them he was coming home. 

Sooyoung was a friend that Seonghwa had made as a trainee, but who quit after his soulmark appeared (his voice changed into his soulmate’s at random times) but they had kept in enough touch that Seonghwa had asked to stay over for a while. 

Sooyoung didn't know the whole story, but he was willing and sympathetic- so long as Seonghwa cleaned up after himself. 

He couldn't stay here forever, though. Sooyoung suggested he find another idol company. 

But Seonghwa didn't think he could be an idol anywhere else. 

Somehow, without him realizing it, his dream had changed from being able to dance, to being able to stay with Ateez. 

That was no longer an option.

But he didn't even know what he would begin to tell his parents when he called them. He had been trying to gather his courage for days. 

Sooyoung had already left for school (that he was finishing), so Seonghwa stared at his phone silently, waiting for a burst of courage. 

He still had time. His savings would hold him out a little while. The final meeting about terminating his contract was in a couple of days. 

Seonghwa physically pressed a hand to ease his heart that ached. 

His soulmark hadn't stopping burning for days, now. 

He sucked in a sharp breath. Maybe the pain would never go away, but distance had to make it better, right? 

Quickly, Seonghwa snatched up his phone-

The knock at the door made him jump, his phone clattering to the ground loudly. 

He whipped his head towards the front door from where he sat on the couch. 

It was almost 5 AM. Who would be here so early? Sooyoung hadn't said anything about a friend coming by… 

Carefully, so the person on the other side of the door wouldn’t hear, he approached in his socked feet, peeking through the peephole and jerked back so hard his knee hit the door. 

Hongjoong. 

“Seonghwa?” he heard him call, voice hesitant, but he didn’t respond, clutching his heart. “Seonghwa, I know you’re there…” 

How the hell had Hongjoong-

Seonghwa remembered Wooyoung calling him 39 times in ten minutes, until he finally answered, and the only way to calm the other was to tell him he was at Sooyoung’s apartment. 

Wooyoung knew Sooyoung. Had kept in touch with him, too. Which meant he was the one who told Hongjoong- and Seonghwa was going to kill him. 

Another knock, quieter this time. 

“Seonghwa?”

It was gentle and quiet, a memory-triggering hesitancy, when Hongjoong would enter their room, just sticking his head in, when he knew Seonghwa was laying in bed feeling too shitty to sit up. He would speak in quiet, hesitant words, afraid of upsetting him or being rejected in his kindness of offering soup. 

Seonghwa's gut twisted, and he had absolutely no choice in how his body reacted to the voice he hadn't heard in  _ days _ . 

Sighing, he steeled herself and grabbed the door handle, unlocking it and opening it slowly. 

Guilt hit him like a freight train. 

Hongjoong looked worse than he did. 

Hongjoong wet his lips as they stared at each other, and there wasn’t a clear emotion for Seonghwa to identify in his eyes. 

There did still seem to be some anger, but there was also something that was tired. Something that was hurt. 

“Could I come in?” he asked quietly, voice subdued, and Seonghwa wanted to be angry at his audacity- after their last encounter had gone, he still thought he had a right to- 

“Sure,” he said instead (well, Sooyoung had said he could invite people over), stepping aside and letting him in. 

Hongjoong was here, and Seonghwa almost couldn't look directly at him for the pain in his chest. 

He entered slowly, like Seonghwa might have set a trap for him or something. 

Regardless of everything, he didn’t want to hate Hongjoong. Hell, Seonghwa was sure it was impossible for him to ever hate Hongjoong. 

And he didn’t want him to hate Seonghwa. 

“Would you like some tea?” he asked as he closed the door, voice too stilted for someone he had shared a room and so much more with for years. He took in his rumpled appearance. “Or maybe some coffee?”

Hongjoong twisted his fingers, not looking at Seonghwa, but nodded. “Coffee, sure, thanks.” 

God, when had they ever been so stiff. 

“Kitchen’s this way,” Seonghwa said, leading him into the little area that was clearly visible from the living room. He didn't know what to do. 

He didn't know why Hongjoong was here. 

He gestured for Hongjoong to take a seat at the little table that was covered in mail as he set up the coffeemaker. 

The silence between them was like before- able to suffocate, but Seonghwa refused to be the first to break it. He didn't think Hongjoong would want to hear anything he had to say.

He had just added the grounds to the pot when Hongjoong was brave enough to speak. 

“Why did you meet with the managers?” 

Seonghwa almost dropped the spoon, but he caught it, breathing slowly as he grabbed a bottle and poured water into the pot calmly. He couldn't look at him. 

“You already know the answer to that, Hongjoong,” he said quietly, hoping the utter pain in his chest wasn’t audible in his voice. 

“I want to hear it from you.” 

Seonghwa closed the coffeemaker a little harder than necessary. “You already heard it from me,” he said shortly. “You didn’t like what you heard.” 

“You keep talking about the company finding out,” Hongjoong said, voice strong and a little angry. “But what are the chances they ever know? Really, what are the chances anyone would have found out? Why weren’t you willing to take a risk?” 

Seonghwa pressed the Start button roughly, turning around and leaning on the counter angrily. “Can you look me in the eyes and tell me that if you had found out we were soulmates, you wouldn’t have treated me any differently? That you would have been content to never be together anyway? Could you  _ guarantee  _ that  _ no one  _ would  _ ever  _ find out?”

Hongjoong’s jaw flexed, his expression stiffening under Seonghwa's harsh voice. 

“I couldn’t. So I didn’t risk it. Because that’s what would have happened- we could never be together, and we would wind up treating each other different,” he assured him sharply. 

He gestured between the two of them, as if pointing out the chasm between them as proof. 

He dropped his hand heavily. “We’re under constant surveillance from the company, not to mention fans- Do you think no one would notice a change? And if they noticed, they'd investigate- and I told you, I couldn't risk you like that.” 

Hongjoong shook his head. “You should have-” 

“I  _ should have done  _ a lot of things, Hongjoong,” Seonghwa sighed harshly. “But I didn’t. I- I just tried my best-” He scrubbed his face. “Would you have felt  _ any  _ better, living ten feet from your soulmate and knowing it was me? Would you be able to live, having found your soulmate, but  _ still _ never being with me?”

Hongjoong looked like he was seriously considering it, but given his lack of response, Seonghwa knew the answer. 

“Because, I can tell you, Hongjoong- it's not a pretty fucking feeling,” he rasped, years of pain prickling at his voice. 

Something in Hongjoong's expression dropped, making Seonghwa wince. 

“I’m not going to sit here and defend myself anymore,” Seonghwa said, voice grown worn and tired. “I told you why I did what I did. I apologized for that. And I told you I wasn’t expecting forgiveness. What else do you want me to say, Hongjoong?” he asked, tired and quiet. 

Seonghwa had torn himself apart enough over the last few days. He was just tired and done. He just wanted to stop. 

“Why would you do it, though?” Hongjoong demanded, running a hand through his hair. “You keep talking about  _ my  _ dream- what about yours? Why would you have done all this just for my dream…?” 

He trailed off, and Seonghwa hoped he could see the anger etching its way into his muscles. 

“If you have to ask me that question, you can get out of this apartment right now,” he spat, heat licking at his heart. “I thought we were  _ friends _ , Hongjoong. I thought we were  _ close _ , that we  _ trusted _ each other. Is this one thing really enough to destroy your entire opinion of me?”

Hongjoong looked like he didn't know. He just looked confused and lost, and Seonghwa ignored the part of him that wanted to stop his anger and go to him. 

“Because I withheld this from you, suddenly, I’m a bastard who would choose to destroy someone's dream over a relationship I  _ knew _ could never happen, even if I did tell you? I was willing to give up my dream for yours- but I wouldn’t expect you to do the same, Hongjoong. Do you really think me so  _ selfish _ ?” He hissed. 

Hongjoong flinched, lowering his head and scrubbing his face. 

He looked so lost. 

The coffee maker beeped behind him and Seonghwa turned, getting two cups and filling them slowly. He set one in front of Hongjoong, returning to his position and holding the burning cup. 

Hongjoong slowly grabbed it and took a sip, wincing at the temperature, but it didn’t stop him from taking another swig. 

The silence between them was like standing on the edge of a cliff. 

“Don’t leave,” he murmured so quietly, Seonghwa almost missed it as Hongjoong stared off to the side. 

Something in his stomach flipped. “What?” Seonghwa whispered. 

Hongjoong swallowed, grip tightening on the mug in his hands. “I said.. Don’t… don’t terminate your contract.”

He looked pale and ill, and Seonghwa felt like a burning match had just been pressed to his chest. 

“Come back to the dorm,” Hongjoong muttered almost silently. “I… I won’t let you ruin your dream because… just because I feel hurt. That’s not fair, after everything you did… for me... ”

He took another sip of coffee that was surely burning his tongue. His hands shook where they set it down on the table. 

“And… the others aren’t exactly happy with my… flippancy, after they found out you were trying to leave. They- They miss you, Seonghwa. So, even if you don’t want to be around me…. Do it for them. Please…” 

Seonghwa pressed his lips together tightly. 

He wanted to yell at Hongjoong, for being almost a week too late, for suddenly changing his mind, for  _ everything _ \- for being someone that he could fall back into so easily… 

But he didn’t. Because none of that was his fault. 

It was Seonghwa’s. 

“I can talk… to the managers, and see if we can call off… the meeting,” he said quietly, chest aching as his heart squeezed. “And if you’d like, I can request to change rooms or something. You’d still see me, but-”

“No,” Hongjoong said firmly, actually looking at him this time. “Don’t- Not for me, don’t- Just come back. I won’t…. Things can be just like they were before, I promise.” 

He wouldn’t cause issues, is what he meant. 

Seonghwa looked at him sadly, a smile of bitter acceptance on his lips. “Can they?” 

Hongjoong winced, knuckles white on his burning mug. “Maybe not. But we can act like they are.” 

That sounded like nothing less than daily physical torture. 

“Fine,” Seonghwa said, taking another too-hot sip. “I’ll go talk to them this morning.” He glanced at the clock. “Don’t you have practice in an hour?” 

Hongjoong looked down at his coffee and shrugged. “The others will call to figure out where I am when I need to head back.” 

Seonghwa almost dropped his coffee cup. “No one  _ knows  _ where you are right now?” 

Hongjoong squeezed his mug tightly, not answering. He bit his lip and shook his head.

“So you run out of the dorm and come to a stranger’s apartment while the others are still sleeping and you don’t even think to  _ let someone know  _ where you are? Are you  _ dense _ ?” 

Hongjoong sighed, rubbing at his tired eyes. “ _ Probably _ ,” he muttered, hands flapping uselessly. 

“What?” Seonghwa demanded, still trying to decide how worried the others would be already- 

Hongjoong groaned, fisting his hair and looking up at his with a pained expression.

“ _ Probably _ ,” he said more clearly. “I probably am dense. Because I was an asshole to you and I was unfair and it took a verbal lashing from Yeosang for me to realize that I was being a dick-”

Seonghwa balked, not quite sure what Hongjoong was saying, but his chest tightened as he stared at Seonghwa like he was beginning to understand him. 

“And I don’t want us to be at odds- and it’s not because you’re my soulmate,” Hongjoong said quickly, “it’s because you’re my friend and I don’t want to keep fighting.” He swallowed thickly. “I'm  _ sorry _ , Seonghwa- I don't know what else to say, but I  _ am _ .” 

Seonghwa stared at him for a moment and Hongjoong seemed to either be waiting for a rejection or another ‘get out of this apartment’. 

Seonghwa sighed, feeling like he could sob at any moment, but kept it packed down in his chest. He set his mug on the counter and walked over to the table. 

“Hongjoong,” he said quietly, standing in front of him. 

Hongjoong stared at him like he was waiting for Seonghwa to slap him. 

Seonghwa pressed his lips together to keep his voice steady. “I didn’t stay at the company because you were my soulmate,” he murmured. “I stayed because you were my friend. And as annoying and pretentious and royally a pain in the ass-” 

“ _ Hey _ ,” Hongjoong warned, but there was a lightness to his voice that made Seonghwa’s stomach flip. 

Seonghwa kept going. “As much as you are all those things… you were all those things before, too. And I stayed with you before with all those things… and I’ll stay with you now with all those things.” 

Because it was true. Seonghwa had been hurting for as long as he had known Hongjoong. And he was okay with continuing to hurt, so long as Hongjoong was happy. 

And maybe him going back wouldn’t make Hongjoong happy- maybe he was only doing it for the others- but Seonghwa would do regardless. 

Because Hongjoong had asked it of him. 

Seonghwa had only seen Hongjoong cry in the most devastating of circumstances before, but with the way he looked away, he might be about to. 

Or he might have, if his phone hadn’t begun ringing shrilly. 

Hongjoong took it out, already knowing who it was. He kept his face hidden as he spoke on the phone, and all he caught was “No, Yunho, I’m not dead in a ditch, I’m with Seonghwa.” 

The conversation ended quickly and he pocketed his phone, standing slowly. 

“I have to go,” he said, breathing deep to compose himself. “You will come back?” he asked once more, watching Seonghwa intently. 

Seonghwa nodded slowly, not able to quite meet his eyes. “As long as the managers accept me back when I ask to cancel the meeting.” 

“They will,” Hongjoong promised him. “No one could ever replace you.” 

~~~~~~~~

When Seonghwa showed up at the dorm the following morning, he was immediately crushed between Wooyoung and Yunho who embraced him hard. 

He laughed- such a genuine sound that he hadn’t made in what felt like years- trying to shove them off, pleased by how unforced the interaction was. 

Everyone stared at him, smiling widely, eyes a little heavy with the weight of the past days, but they hugged him and not a single person brought up the fact that Hongjoong was conveniently running behind and still in the bathroom. 

If he was honest with himself, he was elated he had come back. 

He hadn’t left at the beginning because he had grown too attached, and that was still true. 

He loved each person here way too much to ever be happy with leaving- even if it would have made the pain disappear completely. 

When Hongjoong came out, only seconds before the manager pulled up, all he did was gaze at Seonghwa like he was about to be sick. 

“There weren’t any issues?” he asked, voice too polite and flat. 

Seonghwa shook his head, chest tightening. “No, they were glad to have me drop it- no one wanted to think about what it would have done to Ateez if I had left.” 

Seonghwa didn’t want to think about it, either. Hongjoong nodded in understanding, and got in the van, still sitting in the farthest seat from Seonghwa he could manage. 

Every member of the group was staring at the two of them with the intensity of burning suns, but no one said a thing. Jongho leaned over, asking Seonghwa if he wanted to see a funny video he had found the other day. 

Business resumed as usual, and Seonghwa fell back into the routine he had broken. Group morale improved, much to the relief of the PDs and managers, but it was only because some of them were able to cling to small victories and others were just good actors. 

Things were good- they weren’t awkward or forced- at least not between anyone but two members. 

Hongjoong and Seonghwa were placed next to each other for events, and they continued to retire to the same room at night, but they no longer had the banter they used to. They’d make small talk, but it was forced. 

In a week, Seonghwa didn’t think he and Hongjoong had exchange more than a few dozen words that were almost exclusively related to schedules and group business. 

And when it came time to cover their soulmarks, both of them looked a little ill. Hongjoong wouldn’t even look at the noona covering his, and Seonghwa saw him flinch a little every time Seonghwa was called to cover his. 

But it was… working? It was  _ something _ . It was more than he could have had. It was still Ateez, even if it wasn’t what it was before. 

It was enough. 

Seonghwa couldn’t be selfish. 

The others were twice as clingy as before, San barely able to resist attaching himself to any available limb of his whenever they were in the same room. Seonghwa wasn’t sure if the increase in attention was to cover for Hongjoong or if they were just that glad to have him back. 

Maybe both. 

Seonghwa was relieved, too, even if he had to pretend not to notice Hongjoong standing and watching him from doorways while Jongho tugged him over and laid on top of him to watch a movie. 

It most definitely not jealousy in Hongjoong’s eyes. 

Only a pain that Seonghwa was so intimately familiar with, and had tried his very best to spare Hongjoong. 

Seonghwa didn’t fight Yeosang when he slid up to his side and demanded they change the channel, nor did he tug away when Yunho laid his too-large body over him. 

But it worked, and it worked for a couple of weeks. 

Until they were working on self-practice one night, and Seonghwa was leaving the company with Yeosang practically sprinting after him, catching him by the shoulder as Seonghwa was walking out the door alone. 

“Walk you home?” he offered, panting slightly, and Seonghwa frowned in suspicion, hands in his coat pockets. It was getting closer to winter. Yeosang stared at him, eyes a little full. 

Seonghwa huffed, a small smile on his lips. “Or we could just stand and talk, which is what you want to do anyway.” 

Yeosang didn’t flounder- simply shrugged. “I just finished I wouldn’t keep either of us from getting home. I only need a little time, anyway. Okay?” 

Seonghwa sighed, knowing that this was not about to be a conversation he enjoyed, but it was Yeosang. 

Yeosang was always a little more in tune with things than anyone had any right to be. Even if Seonghwa didn’t want to hear it, he knew the younger was going to be telling the point-blank truth. 

He nodded, sighing quietly. “Sure. I could use the company.” They started their slow trek down the street. 

“I figured you’d be tired of company by now, with how attached to you everyone has been.” 

Seonghwa felt his own face fall. A wind blew and he rubbed his arms that were only protected by a light jacket. “Yeah, well, it still seems different,” he admitted. 

Seonghwa had always tried to be their infallible older brother. The one who they could look to and never have to worry about being burdened with something. 

That persona had already been shot to hell- everyone knew way more than Seonghwa had ever wanted them to, and now that part of the story was out, it only felt right to keep updating it. 

He frowned at the sidewalk, Yeosang’s quiet presence beside him. “Like being in a crowded room and still feeling lonely.” 

It was perhaps a bit more dramatic than he wanted to reveal, but it settled on Seonghwa’s shoulders that he made an effort to keep straight and tall. Yeosang’s shoulder brushed with his. 

“Which is what I wanted to talk about,” the younger said quietly, voice only meant for the two of them. He stared down the street, trying to find the words. “I feel like we’re all in a game of tug of war,” he confessed. 

Seonghwa might have laughed at the analogy, if it didn’t feel so damn accurate, his arms practically aching with all the places he had been trying to go. 

“Because on one side we have you,” Yeosang went on calmly. “Who deserves…. So much-  _ Everything _ , after all you’ve been through.” He pressed his lips together. “And on the other side we have Hongjoong who deserves a lot more than he’s allowed to have.”

Of that, they could agree. That’s why Seonghwa had been ready to leave- to try and give Hongjoong at least one thing he was allowed to have, rather than taking it from him to insert himself into his life. 

“And we have to find a middle ground,” Yeosang said firmly, brow creasing. “A place where everyone can stand without being stepped on. And I feel like this whole game kind of revolves around one question…” He glanced at Seonghwa. “If you weren’t in the situation you were in now… would you love Hongjoong?” 

Seonghwa simultaneously choked on his own spit and tripped over nothing on the sidewalk, causing Yeosang to stumble to try and catch him before he hit the ground, a hand grabbing Seonghwa’s arm firmly. 

Seonghwa stared at him like he had grown an extra head, even as his heart turned itself inside out. “ _ What?” _

Yeosang didn’t laugh, even at his crazed expression, staring at him impassively. “I just want to know, hyung,” he said gently. “If you weren’t in this situation… where you couldn’t be together… would you love Hongjoong?” 

His expression was impassive, not swaying Seonghwa in either direction, but it was warm and it was just a little hopeful, and suddenly Seonghwa felt his eyes stinging as he stared at him, mouth open but nothing coming out. 

Yeosang didn’t press him to hurry up, but within seconds, there were tears streaking down Seonghwa’s cheeks. 

Yeosang’s silent expression cracked, breaking the passive mask and showing some of the pain behind it as he moved forward. “Seonghwa,” he breathed, voice tight, pulling the older closer until they were embracing. 

Seonghwa wanted to shove him away and run, to put as much distance between himself and this person who was forcing him to face everything he had ever feared-

But he didn’t. He didn’t battle with himself for even a moment about being older, or not burdening Yeosang. 

Seonghwa had been holding in so much for so long, and he finally let it go. 

Yeosang hugged him tightly, and Seonghwa leaned into it, wrapping his arms around him and burying his face in his neck as he sobbed, feeling like the rug was being pulled out from under his feet, like he was falling down a rabbit hole without anything to catch himself on. 

Yeosang rubbed his back comfortingly, an action Seonghwa had never needed to receive from him, but that was appreciated for keeping him from choking on his breaths. 

Seonghwa cried into his shoulder until he felt like he had lost his voice. 

He kept waiting for when the tears would quiet, and they kept going until Seonghwa was sure Yeosang would pull away and tell him to pull himself together. 

But Yeosang didn’t even move as Seonghwa soaked his shoulder, his hands clutching the back of Yeosang’s jacket to ground himself. 

It seemed like an eternity before he managed to choke the sobs back, swallowing them and evening out his pained breathing that burned his lungs. 

But he didn’t pulled away. 

Yeosang squeezed him once, comforting and firm. “Seonghwa…” he whispered, voice raw and pained. “Soulmates don’t have to mean romantic love, if you don’t feel that way. It’s  _ okay  _ if you don’t feel that way-”

Seonghwa had to push away, taking two steps away from Yeosang who looked alarmed as he clutched at his chest.

“How can I  _ not  _ feel that way?” Seonghwa demanded hoarsely, through burning. “How am I supposed to be able to give the right answer to your question-  _ which is ‘no’-  _ when I’ve been in love with this stupid man since  _ the beginning _ ?”

Yeosang blinked, taken aback, clearly having misinterpreted his reaction to his question. “You…” 

Seonghwa swallowed hard, clutching the coat around him like it might shield him from reality. “At first… I  _ tried  _ not to. I knew we could never… that it was something that could never happen…. But it still… I just looked up one day… and I knew there was no going back,” he rasped weakly. 

Seonghwa remembered the exact moment he had looked at Hongjoong, sitting in the room at his desk, his laptop open, lost in his own world of creating music… and he had felt his soulmark burn with his heart that suddenly seemed too full to bear. 

And Seonghwa knew it was too late. That he couldn’t leave. 

Seonghwa breathed quicker, trying not to let the fear and panic overtake him. “And it just…” More tears started falling. “It hurt  _ so bad _ , Yeosang,” he cried, clutching his chest like it might ease the ache it had failed to cure a million times over. 

Yeosang seemed torn between moving forward, and giving Seonghwa space to breathe. But he stared in quiet shock as Seonghwa sucked in a sharp breath that almost made him choke.

“And that’s- I  _ couldn’t… _ ” he hissed painfully. “I couldn’t put Hongjoong through that- I couldn’t have him know what it felt like to be near the one person you were meant to be with…. But would never be able to  _ have _ .” He shook his head hard. “But now he knows anyway, and I’ve screwed  _ everything  _ up by coming back.”

Seonghwa hadn’t realized it until this moment, but even as Yeosang’s lips parted to dispute it, Seonghwa knew that he had only made a horrible problem worse by coming back- for being too weak to leave, yet again. 

“Because you’d  _ think _ ,” he managed around gasping breaths, “You would  _ think _ , after everything,  _ something  _ would have faded, right?” He laughed bitterly, maybe a little crazy. “But  _ every time  _ I glance over at him and he looks away… it’s like dying over and  _ over  _ again- and it makes me regret never asking him, never giving us a chance-” 

Seonghwa couldn’t quite believe he was spilling all of this. 

But like the tears, it was something Seonghwa had been holding in for a long time- years, of silence, of pain- and like the tears, he finally let it all come rushing out. 

It didn’t matter who it was rushing out on to. 

Seonghwa stared at Yeosang, trying to wipe away his tears while the younger stood in motionless shock. “I’ve loved Hongjoong for a  _ long time _ ,” Seonghwa admitted in a rough voice that had been burned too many times. He swallowed around the embers in his throat. “And that means... I love him enough to let him have what he loves most. And that’s not me, Yeosang. That’s this life, and the stage.” 

Because idol life had been Hongjoong’s dream long before a soulmate had been. He had been working towards this, with the understanding that he would be putting his soulmate on hold. 

Seonghwa understood that- that he was second to being an idol. And he loved Hongjoong- had always loved him- enough to let him have that, no matter how selfish Seonghwa might want to be. 

“Seonghwa,” Yeosang said quickly, coming forward and taking his hand firmly, like he was keeping him from running away. “Seonghwa, that’s  _ stupid _ . It can’t- You  _ know  _ you’re worth more to Hongjoong than that! It doesn’t have to  _ be  _ like this.” 

“How else can it be?” Seonghwa demanded desperately. “What other path have either of us ever been able to walk? Hongjoong chose idols, and I chose  _ him _ .” 

“ _ Talk  _ to Hongjoong,” Yeosang told him sternly, almost begging. “If you love him, give him a chance to love you too. The both of you- you’d have six people at your back to help you. You could make it work! I wouldn’t be perfect, but-”

Seonghwa cut him off by shaking his head in disbelief, another bitter laugh born of too long of hurting. “Are you seriously suggesting Hongjoong and I become a couple? What do you think I’ve spent the past two years-” 

“You’re right,” Yeosang broke in quickly. “Seonghwa, you are absolutely right, you would both be risking  _ everything-  _ everything Hongjoong’s dreamed of, and everything you’ve tried to protect. But you wouldn’t be  _ alone _ . If you think a single person in this group would see either of you gone, you’ve got another thing coming. We could work something out.  _ You and Hongjoong  _ could work something out.”

“Yeosang-” Seonghwa said roughly, his stomach twisting further with each attempt to convince him. 

This hurt the worst because Yeosang was reasonable. Yeosang was the person who always made sense. And if  _ he  _ thought so, maybe- 

But if Seonghwa had been able to keep this up for years, he could keep it up now. He wouldn’t ask Hongjoong to risk that. 

It was probably better, now, with the two of them as practical strangers. No one would suspect a thing. 

“Yeosang, you can’t-” 

“You said you regretted making a decision without him,” the younger broke in sharply. “Hyung,  _ please-  _ Don’t make this one without him. Let both of you decide that you can’t risk it, rather than just thinking on your own that you’re not both willing.” 

Seonghwa shook his head, like trying to block out a dangerous whisper. “ _ Yeosang _ , I can’t-”

“Yeah, stop making decisions for the both of us.” 

Seonghwa’s body froze as Yeosang gazed over his shoulder, expression changing into something that he couldn’t decide if it was shock or apprehension. 

Seonghwa whipped around in place, looking behind them, heart in his throat and blood an icy chill. 

Hongjoong stood on the sidewalk, hands deep in his pockets. He stared at Seonghwa with eyes that held that same pain he couldn’t spare him, but dyed a rainbow of every other emotion that tormented him. 

Yeosang pressed his lips together tightly as he touched Seonghwa’s shoulder. “This is my cue to leave.” He addressed Hongjoong. “Don’t do anything stupid,” he warned. 

Seonghwa could hear his footsteps continuing on the trek to the dorm, leaving him to fend for himself, but he couldn’t take his eyes off Hongjoong to yell at Yeosang for abandoning him. 

Hongjoong sighed, taking a few steps forward, until much too little space separated them, and Seonghwa’s breathing got that much thicker, his heart racing painfully as he tried to figure out what to do. 

Hongjoong hung his head, taking a deep breath while Seonghwa tried not to give in and run back to the dorm. 

“I’m probably about to do the stupidest thing of my entire life,” he muttered as his head raised, and his eyes locked with Seonghwa’s. 

Seonghwa braced himself for everything from rejection to being left alone in the street, but not for Hongjoong closing the ten feet between them and framing Seonghwa’s face with his hands. 

Time had made their heights a little different, but it was the last thing in Seonghwa’s mind as Hongjoong’s cold fingers pressed against his skin. 

Seonghwa was going to throw up as Hongjoong stared up at him, eyes a crystalline clear lake that let him see straight through to the bottom. His heart leapt to his throat, beating out of his chest, as Hongjoong brushed fingers against Seonghwa’s cheek. 

What the hell was happening? 

Hongjoong swallowed thickly, and Seonghwa held his breath as the other leaned in slowly, just inches from having their lips brush. Seonghwa almost choked as he felt Hongjoong’s warm breath fanning against his cheek. 

“Is this okay?” Hongjoong breathed, searching his face, looking a little scared. (Seonghwa had not lost that instinct to protect him.) 

Seonghwa felt like a little bubble had been placed around them, where nothing could touch them and there were no consequences and there was only the two of them. 

For a goddamn moment, Seonghwa could believe that this was the first moment he had found his soulmate. Like he was being given a do-over. 

That he was being given the chance to know what it was like to love Hongjoong without having to give up so much for him. Without having to ask Hongjoong to choose between his dreams. 

For a moment… there were no companies, no idols, no people watching them under microscopes. 

Seonghwa stared into Hongjoong’s eyes and felt his soulmark burn along with his heart, and knew that it had always been too late. 

Seonghwa closed the remaining inches between them. 

It felt like touching two live wires together- something painful but wondrous about it- electricity shooting down his spine and creating a burning contact point at the base of his spine that Seonghwa knew Hongjoong must feel on his arm, pushing both of them closer together. 

The kiss lasted barely moments before Hongjoong pulled away, both of them breathing a little too heavily for how tame the kiss had been. 

Seonghwa felt like he might have a heart attack as Hongjoong gazed up at him, for the first time in weeks, with eyes that were glowing and shining with emotions Seonghwa had gotten used to collecting and saving very carefully. 

Seonghwa would swear Hongjoong was glowing, but that was probably the haze of confusion and elation making his head swim. 

. “I’ve made you do a lot of talking the past few days,” Hongjoong said, seeming a touch winded, a little desperate. “So now I’m going to talk.” Seonghwa swallowed, realizing that Hongjoong was still cradling his face. 

“Okay,” he breathed- even that much taking a massive amount of effort to construct. 

Hongjoong nodded firmly, looking a little scared, like something was chasing him down. He wet his lips, hands pressing to Seonghwa’s cheeks a little firmer. 

“I don’t think I loved you,” Hongjoong admitted in a rush. “Definitely not for as long as you claimed to have loved me.” 

Seonghwa choked. “You heard-”

“Everything, yeah,” he said, laughing to himself, a little manic. “I finished up and saw you talking- I meant to just go around, but… yeah.” He sobered. “But that’s not the point,” he assured him quickly. “The point is- if Yeosang had asked me that same question even a week ago, my answer would have been no.” 

Seonghwa felt something like a whip crack inside his chest. 

“But then... you left.” Hongjoong’s expression twitched, threatening to break. “You left,” he repeated, voice turning rough. “And I told myself it was better because I didn’t… I didn’t want to have to face what had happened. And then Yeosang kicked sense into me and I talked to you.”

Hongjoong looked ready to hyperventilate before Seonghwa could, but Seonghwa couldn’t see anything beyond Hongjoong’s desperate eyes and gentle hands that finally framed his face. 

Hongjoong swallowed, choking. “And then you were back, and I realized just how shitty it was when you were  _ gone _ , and I realized how shitty I felt the entire time you’ve been back because it felt like there was a cavern between us suddenly, and that had never  _ happened  _ before,  _ ever _ .” Hongjoong’s expression pinched. “It still felt like I had lost you.” 

Seonghwa flinched, his chest punching through and the small of his back burning hotter. 

Hongjoong searched his eyes for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts. “And now…  _ Hell _ , I don’t know if what this feels like is love or  _ what,  _ but I know that it feels like I never want to go back to how we’ve been. I don’t want to continue on with this space between us, because it  _ hurts _ , Seonghwa.” 

Seonghwa wanted to hug Hongjoong, to comfort him- because he knew what that felt like. And he knew intimately the feeling of just wanting things to be normal. 

He took a sharp breath. “The bottom line is…. I don’t want to keep hurting you. I don’t want to keep being the reason you’re feeling like this-” He gestured to his chest vaguely. “So… If this is something you’re willing to risk… I will get my head out of my ass and risk it too.” 

For a moment, Seonghwa felt like everything had become white noise. 

His tongue was numb as he stared at Hongjoong who watched him with bright eyes that felt way too much for him to decipher fully- 

Offering Seonghwa to make it work. 

Offering Seonghwa a chance to have this. 

It was sudden and out of the blue, and felt like he had to make a decision on the fly- not thinking straight despite the fact that he had rehearsed this interaction since he had seen that tattoo on Hongjoong. 

Seonghwa released a shaking breath as he placed his hands over Hongjoong’s against his face. “Hongjoong… you need to consider this,” he warned, voice raw. “ _ A lot _ . If we get found out ...That's everything you ever wanted or worked for… gone. No company would ever take you on after being exposed like that.”

There would be no second chances. 

No do-overs. 

Seonghwa didn’t want to take that from Hongjoong. 

But,  _ dear God _ , did he want to have this with Hongjoong. 

Hongjoong nodded quickly. “And I don’t  _ want  _ that to happen,” he said firmly. “ _ Ever _ . I don’t want to give up performing, and I don’t want to give up the others…” His eyes shone as he searched Seonghwa’s face- maybe looking for comfort. “But if we’re careful… if we’re willing to settle for less than perfect for now… I won’t have to.”

Settle for less than perfect. 

That had been Seonghwa’s entire existence for years now. 

“Less than perfect” to Seonghwa was sitting by while Hongjoong poked and prodded at his soulmark and imaged all the things his soulmate might be. 

It was listening to him lay awake at night, whispering to Seonghwa about his fear that his soulmate wouldn’t wait for him. 

It was listening to him voice his guilt over putting aside his soulmate aside to live his dream, wondering if his soulmate would hate him for it. 

And Seonghwa could only provide the bare minimum response because otherwise he would break. He could only lock the door of their bathroom tightly- keeping a hand pressed against it for extra protection- as he lifted his shirt to examine the mark in the mirror. 

Sometimes, he wondered if they were broken. 

If somehow, their marks weren’t connected, because surely being so close to Seonghwa at all times, talking about soulmates and life and fears together would have made Hongjoong feel  _ something _ . Shouldn’t he have felt something for Seonghwa?

And then guilt would strike hard and fast, because that wasn’t fair. 

Hongjoong didn’t know  _ to  _ develop feelings for Seonghwa. It wasn’t fair that Seonghwa would fault him for not falling for his roommate when, to him, he had a different soulmate out there, waiting for him. 

Seonghwa had been his close friend, and that was enough. 

But Seonghwa’s lips were still buzzing almost as loudly as his mind as Hongjoong offered him a chance for them to try (and succeed, unless they wanted their dreams to fail). 

Hongjoong swallowed, looking more nervous the longer Seonghwa remained mute. “It’ll suck,” he admitted heavily. “And it’ll be hard...but we’ll be... together. If that’s what you want to do.” His hands twitched under Seonghwa’s. “Or… or we can try and ignore each other, if you want. We can- can wait until later-” 

“I don’t want that,” Seonghwa breathed, shaking his head sharply, breaking through his thoughts just to shut down that suggestion. 

He didn’t want to ask Hongjoong to risk his dream, but he also didn’t want to go back to that time of ignoring each other. 

Seonghwa wanted to be selfish just this once- even if he wouldn’t let himself get  _ too  _ greedy. 

Seonghwa didn’t need holding hands and finding dark corners- Hongjoong just  _ acknowledging  _ him was almost enough to last Seonghwa for  _ years _ . Hongjoong… knowing what Seonghwa was… and accepting that… was enough. 

“So…” Hongjoong whispered. “Are you… Do you want to try?” 

Seonghwa bit his lip hard to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating whatever Hongjoong was offering. “You’re absolutely sure?” he pressed firmly, running fingers over Hongjoong’s hand gently. “We don’t second chances at this, Hongjoong. And I...” He swallowed the regret. “I can’t play a game of starting and stopping when it gets hard.” 

Seonghwa didn’t think he would make it if Hongjoong tried to back out. He honestly didn’t know what he would do. (He did- he knew, because he knew he loved Hongjoong enough to let him go every goddamn time, but he didn’t  _ want to _ .) 

Hongjoong laughed, wet and uneven. “Everyone- Yeosang especially- would kick my ass out personally if I did something like that. So, no. No backing out.” 

He smiled up at Seonghwa hopefully, something golden and bright shining in his eyes, stealing Seonghwa’s breath and mental capacity. 

Seonghwa kissed him again, cold lips pressing against Hongjoong’s gently, his eyes slipping closed without thought. 

He felt Hongjoong stiffen under the pressure, but Seonghwa didn’t even have time to panic before Hongjoong pressed closer, his hands warm against Seonghwa’s face, and Seonghwa’s hands covering his almost completely. 

One hand slipped from Seonghwa’s cheek, winding around his neck and pulling him down firmer. 

Seonghwa felt like every line of his soulmark was a wire- lighting up and surging with voltage that made his muscles seize in place- he couldn’t have let Hongjoong go if he wanted to. 

Hongjoong sighed against his lips- shaking and quick- before pressing back against Seonghwa’s chest hard, making them stumble back a step. Seonghwa dropped a hand to Hongjoong’s waist, holding him there in place, a silent statement that he wouldn’t let him drift away- 

Hongjoong suddenly pulled away, just enough to speak with his lips still brushing Seonghwa’s jaw. 

“I’m sorry,” he breathed, voice choked up and thick. His fingers curled into the lapel of Seonghwa’s jacket, holding it tightly. “I’m sorry I made you wait,” he whispered brokenly. “You- You sat by for years, Seonghwa, and I didn’t- I didn’t even know- I hurt you so fucking  _ much- _ ” 

Seonghwa hushed him quietly, bringing a hand up to stroke through his hair. It wasn’t Hongjoong that hurt him. But Hongjoong shook his head. 

“And you told me, and I- I was  _ awful _ , Seonghwa- I just wanted to hurt you like I was hurting, but you were already hurting just as much, and I’m  _ sorry- _ ” 

“I hurt you, too,” Seonghwa assured him quietly, pressing a kiss to Hongjoong’s temple. “We both made mistakes, Hongjoong- And we both regret them.” 

Hongjoong sucked in a breath, and though Seonghwa couldn’t see his face, he could imagine his eyes shimmering. “I- Everytime I talked with you about my soulmate… everytime I brought it up, you were… you had to just sit there-” 

“It wasn’t that bad,” Seonghwa assured him, brushing fingers through Hongjoong’s hair gently. “There were times I thought I was going to die if I didn’t say something…” He smiled quietly. “But, at the very least, I knew that if- in the end, when I told you- you didn’t wind up hating me… I knew that you would love me more than I ever thought possible.” 

Hongjoong pulled away enough to stare up at Seonghwa with eyes that shone with tears and regret and something warmer. 

Seonghwa had clung to that. Even as he clutched his chest in agony at every mention of Hongjoong’s soulmate, Seonghwa told himself that it would be worth it. 

Because Hongjoong loved his soulmate so much, already. He was already so ready for them (outside of the pressure of their dreams). 

Seonghwa told himself that if, in the end, Hongjoong didn’t hate him- everything would be worth it. 

“I don’t hate you,” Hongjoong whispered hoarsely. “I never hated you, Seonghwa- I was hurt, but even in all the time I was yelling and cursing you, I… I never hated you.” He huffed a bitter laugh. “If anything, I should wonder if you hate me for making you wait so long.” 

“I would have waited longer,” Seonghwa confessed, running a gentle knuckle over Hongjoong’s cold cheek. “I was prepared to wait until we decided to stop being idols- however long that wound up being.” 

Hongjoong’s eyes were pained, but once more, they held something touched. Something grateful. “I’m sorry, Seonghwa…” 

Seonghwa shook his head. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he assured him quietly. “I knew, in the end, it would be worth it.”

To his surprise, Hongjoong laughed weakly. “Wooyoung told me something similar,” he chuckled quietly. “That despite everything we have to go through- all the shit that sucks- it would be worth it in the end. If it wasn’t- why would people bother with all the pain that came with soulmates?”

Seonghwa’s mouth felt dry as he rubbed a warming hand over Hongjoong’s back. “Do… Do you think it was worth it?” 

Hongjoong’s jaw worked as his eyes traced over Seonghwa’s face. “I’ve only known my soulmate, properly, for about ten minutes now,” he reminded him. “But… yeah, I’d say it was shaping up to be a pretty good deal.” His fingers curled through Seonghwa’s shirt as he spoke in a quiet whisper. 

Seonghwa’s heart imploded in his chest as he laughed weakly. 

Hongjoong wet his lips nervously. “What about you?” he asked quietly. “Was… Was it worth it for you? Waiting that long? Being hurt that much?” 

Seonghwa didn’t even have to think as he placed a hand against Hongjoong’s cheek gently. “I knew it would be worth it the moment I decided to stay,” he breathed. “Because every moment after that that I got to see you smile and laugh and look at me... made it all worth it.” 

This, Seonghwa had always known. He knew that everything was worth it, because Hongjoong was happy here, as an idol. Seonghwa was willing to wait, if it meant giving Hongjoong this for a little longer. 

Hongjoong was silent for several moments before pushing up and quietly placing a gentle kiss to the corner of Seonghwa’s mouth. 

“I think,” he whispered, “that I was always a little bit in love with you.” 

Hongjoong swallowed audibly, his head dropping to rest against Seonghwa’s chest. (Seonghwa wrapped his arms around him, pulling him closer.)

“Maybe… I didn’t think about you specifically,” Hongjoong confessed. “But… There were times when I wondered if it would be easier to fall in love with someone who wasn’t your soulmate.” He huffed a quiet laugh against Seonghwa’s coat. “But I think… I think I might have been thinking about you, even if I didn’t realize it.” 

Seonghwa’s chest seized as Hongjoong pressed himself flush against his chest. 

“I think… even when I didn’t know I was supposed to love you… I loved you, even just a little bit.” 

Seonghwa dropped his head, pressing lips to the top of Hongjoong’s head and resting there, swallowing the part of him that wanted to break down in the middle of the sidewalk. 

Seonghwa was sure someone had poured liquid sunlight in his veins, sure that there was some sort of lightning bolt pressed against the small of his back, sure that regardless of what they gained or lost he would never regret choosing Hongjoong. 

It wasn’t until Seonghwa had lost feeling in his fingers, and Hongjoong began shifting as an icy wind blew through that the two of them came back to reality. 

Hongjoong rubbed his nose against Seonghwa’s jacket. “It’s cold,” he said, muffled by the fabric. 

Seonghwa had to laugh- feeling lighter than he had felt in a long time, the relief making him a little giddy. “It’s supposed to get icy tonight.” 

“Then why are we standing in the middle of the sidewalk?” Hongjoong demanded, a shiver running through him. 

“You’re the one in  _ my  _ arms-  _ you’re  _ protected. I’m being used a windscreen,” Seonghwa reminded him pointedly. 

Hongjoong huffed, shaking himself. “Fine, then let’s go home- I can’t feel my toes.” 

Seonghwa waited a moment for Hongjoong to pull away, but he remained still. Seonghwa cocked an eyebrow. “Are you gonna move?” he questioned. 

“I’m getting there,” Hongjoong snapped back, still pressed to his chest. “But it’s cold out there- colder than in here.” He pressed a little closer. 

Seonghwa ignored the part of him that said for him to ignore the weather and let Hongjoong remain in his arms for the rest of time, and released his hold on the other. 

Hongjoong whined as the wind finally caught him, but Seonghwa pressed quick lips to Hongjoong’s chapped ones, pulling away and probably smiling a little too widely. 

“Let’s get home,” he said, placing a hand on the small of Hongjoong’s back and pushing him forward. 

Hongjoong huffed, annoyed at the cold, but walked- pressed a little closer to Seonghwa’s side than they might have walked before. Seonghwa felt that liquid sunshine burn a bit brighter as he wrapped an arm around Hongjoong’s shoulders. 

Seonghwa thought that something might click into place in his heart. 

That something might feel more connected, more special. And while he did feel warmer, and happiness was practically bursting from his pores… 

It didn’t feel much different. 

And Seonghwa… somehow couldn’t be happier for that. 

Because he didn’t  _ want  _ them to be different because of this. He had loved the Hongjoong he had known for the past how-many years. 

And he wanted his  _ soulmate  _ to be the Hongjoong he had been with the past few years.

He didn’t want them to become different people for their soulmates. He just wanted Hongjoong. 

His Hongjoong. The one he knew. 

And when the wind blew, and Hongjoong turned away, sneezing directly into Seonghwa’s face, he knew he still had him. 

(They reached the dorm quickly because Hongjoong took off running after a beat of horrified silence and an apology that got lost in the wind as he began sprinting.) 

They were still the two of them- still roommates, still group mates- just at a different stage, a different standing. 

Seonghwa finally realized just how long it had been since he and Hongjoong had smiled at each other, laughed with each other… 

It felt right, is what it felt like. 

And it wasn’t until they burst back into the dorm, Hongjoong still apologizing and dodging Seonghwa’s hands (both of them laughing a little too hard to really try), that their bubble finally popped. 

Both oldest members froze as they stared into the living room, six pairs of eyes staring back at them. 

Wooyoung crossed his arms over his chest like a father who caught their kid sneaking in late. “You two look like you’re having fun.” 

Hongjoong straightened, staring at the others with a blank expression. “You guys all finished at the company?” he asked, clearly not expecting them. 

“Yeah, we did,” San said, looking smug from his seat in a chair. “And Yeosang texted all of us to take a different way home since the two of you were ‘talking’.” He made air quotes with his hands. 

“Looks like everything turned out alright,” Yunho noted, nodding sagely. “Unless what sounded like laughter was actually screams of terror.” 

Hongjoong swallowed, glancing at Seonghwa, as if silently asking permission. 

Seonghwa glanced at Yeosang who stared on with the rest of them, but Seonghwa could see the upturn of his lips, the warm satisfaction in his eyes. Seonghwa felt himself smile. 

“Yeah,” he said finally, breathing a little heavy from their run. “Yeah, we did work some stuff out. And…” He glanced at Hongjoong. “And we’re okay now. More than okay.” 

“You’re together?” Jongho demanded, as if daring them to pick the wrong answer. 

Seonghwa looked back at Hongjoong who looked half-excited, half-mortified. “Yeah,” he answered thickly, looking back at the others. “Yeah, we are. We’re gonna try to be.” 

There was a beat of silence that made Seonghwa’s pulse leap, but then there was a deafening shriek as San and Wooyoung simultaneously leapt at them, Yunho and Mingi right on their tails. 

Hongjoong and Seonghwa were practically thrown against the wall as the other hugged him- sounds of congratulations and threats for if they ever hurt each other mixing together in a cacophony of shrieks in their ears. 

Seonghwa laughed, a balloon expanding in his chest that threatened to burst as he looked at San smashing his cheek into Hongjoong’s joyously. 

Even Yeosang was there, hugging them by extension of putting his arms around the outside of their little circle. 

He smiled at Seonghwa, something warm and happy in his eyes. 

Seonghwa didn’t think he could feel anymore sunlight in his veins, but an entire damn solar flare seemed to be breaking out of his chest. 

“I’m happy for you,” he heard Yeosang call over the din of their members’ demands. “Really, hyung.” 

Suddenly, Seonghwa was being shoved into Hongjoong as the others finally pulled away. “You guys are so  _ cute _ , it’s going to be  _ insufferable _ ,” San said, practically vibrating with glee. 

Seonghwa laughed, his arm automatically brushing against Hongjoong’s (who was massaging his face after the assault). 

“It took us a while,” Hongjoong said quietly. “Well… it took me a while,” he corrected. “But…” He glanced at Seonghwa, and he saw his lips tug upwards almost unconsciously. “But I think we’re gonna be okay.” 

~~~~~~~~

Seonghwa waited with bated breath. 

Because surely someone was going to notice. He kept waiting for his soulmark to suddenly blaze to life like a disco ball, calling everyone’s attention to it. 

But… nothing immediately went to shit. They went to recordings and schedules, and they covered their marks (Seonghwa still not allowing his to be seen at all). They were placed next to each other and sometimes they weren’t. 

Seonghwa kept waiting for someone to notice what were surely stars in their eyes, but a week passed without so much as a suspicious glance or comment from the managers or PDs. (He and Hongjoong had always been a little more friendly, and they blended right back in.) 

Of course, back at the dorm was a different story. 

Seonghwa had expected them to be all over each other- he expected a desperation to come with Hongjoong finally knowing it was him- 

But it was oddly… calm.

They were physically closer than they had been before, and sometimes they gave small kisses that the others either booed or cat called at. 

Even within the privacy of their own room, there were still the same quiet conversation from before, only they were accented with small kisses (and some not small ones that had Mingi banging on the other side of the wall Seonghwa had Hongjoong pinned against). 

The only difference was what they knew of each other. 

“Can I see it again?” Hongjoong asked as they sat on his lower bunk. 

Seonghwa felt anything but embarrassment (if anything, he was embarrassed by how eager he was to have Hongjoong look at it- to see the mark that connected that, to see the mark that meant they were each other’s) as he turned around, tugging his shirt up. 

He glanced back to watch Hongjoong stare at it, almost mesmerized as a cold finger would touch the skin of his back, making him shiver. 

The first time Hongjoong’s finger brushed over the dark ink, a bolt of electricity stronger than any he had felt before raced down his spine. 

Both of them had shouted out- more in surprise than pain- Hongjoong’s hand leaping to his shoulder and Seonghwa covering his back. 

Both of them had stared at each other in shock for a moment. “Is- Is it supposed to do that?” Hongjoong stuttered. 

Seonghwa’s mouth flapped for a moment. “I- I guess so. I’ve felt something similar to it, but that was… a bit stronger than normal.” 

Hongjoong had nodded, wide eyes staring at his shoulder. 

Seonghwa got used to the feeling as it seemed to dull down a bit, changing from arcs of electricity to a muted thrum of electric current as Hongjoong laid beside him, a hand resting over the small of Seonghwa’s back. 

Seonghwa found himself tracing fingers over Hongjoong’s arm until he pushed his hand away, saying it tingled. 

Now, as Hongjoong traced a cold finger over it, Seonghwa only felt a sensation similar to turning your face towards sunlight after being cold. Something warm and deep spreading from each contact point, until Seonghwa’s entire body was thrumming with it. 

“It really does look exactly like mine,” Hongjoong murmured quietly, calmly. “It almost seems to shine like mine, too…” 

Seonghwa smiled quietly. “When I first got it, I was disappointed that it was in such an inconvenient spot. I couldn’t look at it easily. I had my mom take a picture and I hung it on my wall for a while.” 

Hongjoong laughed quietly, something warm and heavy to it. “Sometimes, I wonder what might have happened if I hadn’t gotten my mark yet. Or if I had gotten it earlier. Or if I had decided to hide it…” He hummed quietly. “I wonder wha-” 

There was a sharp knock on the door. “Are you two decent?” Wooyoung’s voice yelled. “And by that, I mean- do you currently have some part of your body inserted int-” 

There was a sharp smack, and Wooyoung yelping as the door was pushed open. Seonghwa dropped his shirt smoothly as the door flung open to reveal Yeosang lowering his hand and Wooyoung holding the back of his head. 

“He hit me!” Wooyoung shrieked as Yeosang pushed him inside, closing the door behind them. 

“Are you two busy?” Yeosang asked calmly, despite having already locked the door behind them. 

Seonghwa frowned, not really nervous, but more suspicious as Wooyoung flopped into their desk chair. Yeosang remained standing in the middle of the floor. 

“Well, it looks like it wouldn’t matter if we were,” Hongjoong said, scooting until his legs hung off the edge of the bed. “What are the two of you up to?” He narrowed his eyes. 

Yeosang, however, seemed to turn a bit nervous. He glanced at Wooyoung who stood up from the chair, sighing as he walked over to stand beside him. 

“Here,” Wooyoung said, stepping forward and holding out a little booklet that was clearly homemade. Just a stack of pages stapled together. Seonghwa hadn’t even noticed it. 

Hongjoong frowned at the packet, reaching forward slowly to take it from Wooyoung who stepped back to Yeosang. Seonghwa scooted over to see it too, as Hongjoong read the bolded title. 

“ _ The Soulmate Laws _ ?” he questioned, glancing up at them. “What is this?”

“Everything the company doesn’t want you to know,” Yeosang said calmly. “All the little technicalities about soulmates, and the rights they have.” 

Seonghwa stared in confusion, and then shock, and then wonder. “What- What is all this? Why do you have it? Where did you get it?” He took the paper gently from Hongjoong, flipping it open and finding tiny text printed neatly in legal format. 

“Yeosang’s mom,” Wooyoung said, nodding at him. “She’s got access to certain resources as a professor- she put it together and gave it to us.” 

Hongjoong looked up, back to confusion. “To both of you?” he repeated. “Why?” 

Yeosang and Wooyoung exchanged a glance- not a conniving one, but a nervous one. 

“Well,” Wooyoung said carefully. “When I first got my soulmark,” he said, placing a hand around his wrist and rubbing gently, “it was just a red string that knotted and trailed off, like it had been cut, but my dad said it just because I hadn’t found my soulmate yet.” 

Wooyoung looked at them pointedly as Yeosang dropped his eyes to the ground. 

Seonghwa nodded. So, it was probably for the two of them to understand what they could do when they found their soulmates. 

After a beat, Wooyoung sighed. “Well, if I look at my string now,” he said, running a finger away from his wrist, but that was probably touching his string, “then I can follow it. It connects now.” His finger moved the short distance from his wrist, to pointing near Yeosang’s. 

Seonghwa stared for a moment, as Wooyoung looked at them pointedly, like they weren’t quite getting it- 

“ _ You guys are- _ !” 

“Shh!” Yeosang hissed, cutting Hongjoong’s vehement shout off. “ _ Quiet _ ,” he hissed. 

Seonghwa’s mind finally clicked. “You guys are soulmates,” he said, in a much quiet whisper than Hongjoong had managed. 

They both nodded slowly, and Seonghwa watched as Wooyoung slipped his hand into Yeosang’s, both of them holding on tight. 

“So-” Seonghwa’s voice caught, adrenaline pumping. “So, your string is connected to Yeosang.” Wooyoung nodded. “And… you can hear Wooyoung’s thoughts.” 

“Some of them, not all the time,” Yeosang stipulated, but nodded. “And I can’t see the string, but he says it’s on my wrist.” Yeosang lifted the hand that Wooyoung held. 

“Did- Did you just find out about this?” Hongjoong demanded. “That’s amazing, guys-” 

“We’ve known for years.” 

Hongjoong practically choked on his words, Seonghwa standing from the bed as he stared with wide eyes. “You- For years? When did you find out?” he demanded. 

“When we met as trainees at our old company,” Wooyoung said, looking a little proud. “I saw Yeosang as I walked through a door, and suddenly my string was complete and connected to him.” 

“I didn’t see him at first, but I heard his voice in my head.” Yeosang gave him a pointed look. “All he could manage to think was ‘ _ Oh shit, that’s him _ .’ Followed by a rather eloquent  _ ‘Fuck _ .’” Wooyoung shrugged, unbothered by his lack of eloquence. 

“Wait, so you- you’ve been soulmates all this time?” Hongjoong demanded, standing as well. “How have you- The company- How did you manage-” 

“That,” Yeosang said, pointing to the booklet in Seonghwa’s grasp. “That’s the only reason.” 

Seonghwa dropped his eyes to it, suddenly holding it a little gentler. 

“Yeosang and I couldn’t exactly ignore each other, after we figure out it was each other.” Wooyoung shifted on his feet. “We thought we could outsmart the system.” He winced. “But people noticed… Yeosang got called into a meeting with the CEO, and was asked point blank if his soulmate was here.” 

“I lied, and they called my bluff,” Yeosang said shortly. “They kicked me out, and Wooyoung was… less than calm after he found out.” 

“It wasn’t  _ fair _ ,” Wooyoung snapped. 

“Either way, we both wound up getting kicked out,” Yeosang went on calmly. “And we knew our dreams were gone. No company would take us once word got out we were soulmates.” 

“Yeosang’s mom wasn’t exactly… on board with that idea,” Wooyoung snickered, looking amused. “She went to all her colleagues- apparently, she knows a lawyer-” Wooyoung shrugged, like that was just something to accept. 

“She gave us that.” Yeosang gestured to the packet. “There are no concrete laws protecting soulmates within the entertainment industry specifically, but there are  _ technicalities _ . You have to look for them, and some of them have to be twisted quite a bit- but there are technicalities that you  _ can  _ use.” 

“Like, it  _ technically  _ being illegal to reveal that people are soulmates with malicious intent and gain,” Wooyoung said primly. “It’s basically slander and defamation of character. The CEO can tell whoever he wants about it, but if you can prove that he benefited from it and someone else suffered from it, you can get them with a hefty fine.” 

“None of these are strong enough to take down an entertainment company,” Yeosang assured them. “You’re not putting anyone in jail, and most of the fines are nothing to them- but some companies don’t want that hassle, so they keep quiet if you threaten a lawsuit.” 

The grin on his face was almost wicked. 

And Seonghwa tried to imagine teenager Yeosang and Wooyoung standing in front of the CEO of an entertainment company, and putting their balls in a vice to keep their secret safe. 

“Fun fact,” Wooyoung went on, looking brighter. “It’s also technically illegal to separate two soulmates in legal terms- i.e.: putting them in separate groups or companies, or under separate contracts.” 

Seonghwa’s mouth was just hanging open at this point- Hongjoong not looking much better as both of them stared at their cat-that-got-the-canary smiles. 

“Once two soulmates find each other, they’re entitled to certain things- and it’s actually considered cruel punishment to do things like separate them-  _ especially  _ if it’s against their expression wishes.” Wooyoung shrugged his shoulders. “Once you know things like that… it gets a little easier.” 

“We didn’t know you were soulmates until you told us,” Yeosang said helplessly. “I wish we had guessed sooner. We might have been able to save you some heartache.” 

“Wait-” Hongjoong demanded, shaking his head. “So the company knows you’re soulmates, and they still took you on?” 

“It’s actually discimination to make decisions based on someone’s soulmate status,” Wooyoung informed them primly. “Unless you can prove a legitimate reason why they shouldn’t be accepted. Again, it’s nothing to the companies to pay those fees, but it’s one more piece of hassle they don’t want to deal with.” 

“It’s in our contract,” Yeosang said easily, thumb brushing idly over Wooyoung’s hand. “The company would accept us, train us together, and debut us together- provided we both passed legitimately- and our only stipulation was the hide the fact that we were soulmates. If anyone found out, our contract would be terminated, etcetera.”

They shrugged together, like the period at the end of a statement. 

Seonghwa didn’t even know what to do with the information overload he had just been handed. 

Yeosang and Wooyoung stood like two partners in crime- smug and triumphant. 

They had taken that risk. They had decided it was worth it. 

They had harnessed the fucking law to take that risk. 

And they had somehow managed to be hidden for years. 

“How did you guys hide this?” Seonghwa demanded weakly. “We  _ live  _ together- We never even suspected-”

Wooyoung looked proud of that, shrugging. “We had been soulmates for a while at that point. We were used to it. It wasn’t that hard- we were already friends. We room together, and got stuff out of our system in there.” 

Before Seonghwa even managed to be grossed out, Yeosang spoke. “It was hard sometimes, especially since Wooyoung’s thoughts are still coming into mine, and it’s hard not to smack him sometimes without making people ask why I did it.” He shrugged. “But it worked.” 

Seonghwa couldn’t quite believe everything he was hearing. 

“But why are you telling us now?” Hongjoong asked, suddenly looking concerned. “What if the company finds out?” 

Wooyoung cocked an eyebrow. “Are you planning on telling anybody?” he challenged. 

Hongjoong shook his head quickly, looking mortified. 

“We always planned on telling you guys, after we debuted and things settled down,” Yeosang admitted. “We just never thought of the right time. But then everything went down with both of you, and… Well, there.” He pointed to the booklet. “That’s our gift to you, in case anything ever does happen.” 

He suddenly felt like the booklet in his hand was worth way more than just paper and ink. 

“You’ll still have to be smart about it,” Yeosang warned. “But, if anything out of your control happens, this will give you a fighting chance.” 

Hongjoong stared at the packet in Seonghwa’s hand, Seonghwa dropping his eyes to stare at it. 

This was… 

Before he knew it, his vision blurred, and when he glanced up, Wooyoung winced. 

“I told you they’d cry,” he hissed to Yeosang quietly, who elbowed him. 

“Thank you,” Hongjoong said thickly from beside him. “Really, you guys have no idea-” 

“We have some idea how it feels,” Wooyoung assured him, grinning, hands shoved into his pockets. 

Seonghwa wiped at his eyes quickly, giving his own quiet ‘thank you’. The two in front of him only grinned proudly. 

“Don’t tell the others, yet,” Wooyoung simply requested. “We’re gonna tell them about us, but we want to give everything more time to settle down.” 

Seonghwa nodded quickly, knowing it was absolutely not his place to reveal anything they had told them. 

Holy hell- the two of them were  _ soulmates _ . 

“What are the odds half of us would end up being soulmates?” he laughed wetly. 

“Isn’t that the point, though?” Hongjoong replied after a moment. “Life pushes you together, and then you find each other where you least expect it.” 

Yeosang chuckled, smiling warmly. “Just a tip,” he said honestly. “The biggest thing you’re going to have to watch is how you look at each other. Try and keep the starry looks to a minimum, okay?”

Hongjoong laughed quietly. “I’ve never seen the two of you give each other starry looks, even once.” 

“You haven’t seen him when we’re alone,” Yeosang said without mercy, jerking his head towards Wooyoung. “He gets all gooey-” 

“You literally wouldn’t let me get up this morning, laying on top of me like a fucking cat,” Wooyoung snapped back, glaring. 

“I did not-” 

“You were practically purring-”

“You kept touching my hair!”

“You told me to!” 

And more than anything… Seonghwa felt hope. 

Because if these two could make it, so could they. And if they had remained unchanged by it all… so would they. 

But they had more now. They had something more concrete than just their perseverance and trust- they had actual, legal, physical help that would protect both them and their dreams. 

Maybe they could have both. If Yeosang and Wooyoung had kept both- 

And suddenly, Yeosang’s words made sense. His absolute determination that Seonghwa and Hongjoong could make it work, his utter refusal to let Seonghwa walk away without even trying- 

“Okay, we’ll let you guys keep looking at that,” Yeosang said finally, slapping at Wooyoung’s hand that poked at him. “We’ll go kill each other in another room.” 

They laughed, Seonghwa feeling everything bubbling up in his chest. Yeosang physically grabbed Wooyoung by the ear, dragging him out. 

He wondered what sort of Wooyoung’s thoughts were bleeding through. 

Yeosang gave them one more genuine smile before he closed their door behind them, Wooyoung’s cries for help being muffled. 

Seonghwa stared at the door for a split second before huffing a breathless laugh. “Well,” He said, turning to Hongjoong. “That was-” 

Suddenly, lips were against his, and Seonghwa was backed up until his back hit the pole of the bed, Hongjoong kissing him firmly- slow and warm, Seonghwa’s hands falling to his waist on instinct. 

He still felt that glow of his mark, pulling Hongjoong closer, everything shifting into a slightly sharper focus as Seonghwa licked into Hongjoong’s mouth that invited him in. Hongjoong’s hands clutched at Seonghwa’s sleeping shirt, crushing it in his fists. 

They suddenly broke apart, breathing a bit too heavy as Hongjoong stared at him with exactly a million stars in his eyes. 

“I love you,” he said firmly. “I- I don’t remember if I ever said it without any sort of stipulation before, but I do, Seonghwa. I love you so fucking much- even when I didn’t realize I should.” 

Seonghwa was stunned for a moment by the sudden kiss and even more sudden declaration. 

Hongjoong swallowed thickly. “And nothing makes me feel better, knowing that we have a leg to stand on if something goes wrong, but I need you to know, Seonghwa-” 

His voice wavered dangerously, and Seonghwa’s expression softened as he placed a hand against Hongjoong’s face gently. 

Hongjoong didn’t close his eyes, boring into Seonghwa’s. “I need you to know, Seonghwa, that if it ever came down to it- I would choose you. Over all of this, and my dream- I would choose you, if it came down to it.” 

Seonghwa’s tongue was currently glued to the top of his mouth. “I wouldn’t ask you to,” he said quietly. “You wanted this long before you knew your soulmate-” 

“And now I have my soulmate,” Hongjoong said quickly, firmly. “I have you- and I’m not saying I don’t want this life anymore, but I would find other ways to live that dream. I wouldn’t give you up- or ask you to give me up- to get them, though.” 

Seonghwa thought about all those times he saw Hongjoong on stage. 

Those moments where the idol in him just shone through like a million watt bulb, and Seonghwa would comfort himself, knowing that he had made a good choice- trying to give Hongjoong this. 

And he tried to imagine Hongjoong looking at him in a greater way than he looked at the stage, the crowd, the music… 

“You are quite possibly the most stunning human being on this planet,” Seonghwa said suddenly, Hongjoong blinking in surprise before Seonghwa captured his lips gently. 

Hongjoong made a pleased sound in the back of his throat that Seonghwa swallowed as Hongjoong pressed closer, hands trailing up to Seonghwa’s hair. 

The small of his back heated, like pressing a warm hand to frigid skin- gentle but searing- as Hongjoong’s hand dropped to rest there, fingertips pressing into the ink through his shirt. 

It wasn’t as if the earth shattered each time Seonghwa kissed him, but it felt like a charge of static electricity building in his chest with every press of lips, using that kinetic energy to burn his heart and blood. 

It just felt good and right. Like everything Seonghwa had spent years imagining and more. 

Somehow, even his wildest nights of imagining what would happen if Hongjoong knew had never made anything close to what it felt like when Hongjoong’s delicate finger traced along his jaw absently as he pulled Seonghwa down further against him. 

Somehow, even a week felt like enough to last him a lifetime of Hongjoong. 

~~~~~~~~

Hongjoong had always been torn. He had never quite been able to decide- warring between his love of bright lights and pounding bass, and the part of him that knew one day he might have someone who was worth just as much. 

But Hongjoong had been confused. Because he knew how much he loved the stage, and he knew that he was supposed to love his soulmate just as much. 

But his soulmate wasn’t here- he didn’t know them. How was he supposed to love someone more than this, when he had held this dream his whole life, and his soulmark had only been around a few years? 

But Hongjoong loved his soulmate, and he wanted to meet them, but how was he supposed to choose them over this part of himself he had known for so much longer? But he wanted them, but he wanted this- 

And then… 

Things changed. And suddenly, Hongjoong had a soulmate that he couldn’t hate, but that he didn’t want to forgive. 

And suddenly, Hongjoong had his dream, but not his soulmate. 

And suddenly, things were being shoved into their proper places (thanks to Yeosang and the others). 

And suddenly, Hongjoong didn’t want his dream without his soulm- 

No. 

Suddenly, Hongjoong didn’t want his dream without  _ Seonghwa _ .

He loved the lights and music and stage… but beyond all that, he had liked  _ Seonghwa _ . Outside of soulmates and fate- Hongjoong had fallen for him long before he realized he should have. 

And suddenly, the lights seemed brighter, and the music pounded harder, and the adrenaline that surged through him tasted sweeter- 

And at the end of it all, Hongjoong would look over at Seonghwa, like he did after every performance, and they would lock eyes. Hongjoong would feel that familiar burn and spark of the mark on his arm, and it wouldn’t be painful at all. 

It was a comfort greater than anything else had ever been. 

It was electric, but subtle, when Seonghwa’s fingertips would brush over the mark while they sat in bed together (sometimes falling asleep together, and sometimes not). It made Hongjoong feel like a battery, gathering energy and warmth from Seonghwa through the mark. 

And it was stupidly romantic and utterly ridiculous, but Hongjoong couldn’t believe he had lived this long without this. Couldn’t believe that there was ever a time in his life where he would have chosen idol life over his soulmate. 

(Disregarding the fact that his idol life  _ lead  _ him to his soulmate.) 

It worked. 

It was good. 

They were good. 

(And Wooyoung and Yeosang were impossibly smug as they looked at him and Seonghwa, dropping in the middle of dinner the bomb that they were soulmates, too.) 

People screamed. A chair was thrown. 

Things were good. 

~~~~~~~

Life continued on, surprisingly uninterrupted by their earth-shattering discoveries. 

Seonghwa stepped outside their room, to wait in the living room for the manager to come.

Hongjoong was standing there, too, looking at him like he always had been, behind his back, for years, and it just felt  _ nice _ . 

“Morning,” he greeted, hands shoved in his pockets. 

There was an inclination to touch Hongjoong- to loop their arms or hold his hands- and Seonghwa did that to his heart’s content within the dorms, but he tried to not get used to it right before they went out in public. 

He couldn’t do all those things. 

They wouldn’t be able to do stuff like that for a long, long time. But when Hongjoong smiled, returning with his own greeting, it just flowed like a stream over stone- unbothered by the obstacle in its path, and just continuing on its merry way, as it always had. 

“Don’t be gross,” San said from where he was sitting on the couch. Seonghwa hadn’t even noticed half the members were already here. “I just want to eat my cereal in peace.” 

“Don’t make me kiss him in front of you,” Hongjoong warned, lips quirking with amusement. 

“I liked it better when you weren’t public about it,” Jongho muttered, poking his breakfast darkly. 

“Don’t you dare!” Wooyoung suddenly burst. “Yeosang and I worked way too hard for this! We had so many fights, I was sleeping by myself most nights!” 

“Please stop talking about you sharing a bed,” Jongho begged. “It’s gross to think about.” 

“Why is it gross?” Seonghwa questioned. It was a little weird, but if the two of them were feeling anything like what Seonghwa did, he couldn’t imagine trying to split them. 

(They would not let themselves be split.) 

“Two of your kids are fucking each other!” San defended, looking horrified. “That doesn’t concern you?” 

“It  _ is  _ a little weird that two of your kids are dating,” Jongho agreed. “That makes you a pretty shitty parent.” 

“Gross!” Mingi cried from his spot on the floor, giving Seonghwa and Hongjoong disgusted looks. “That’s incest!” 

“They’re not actually our kids!” Hongjoong burst. “We’re not related!”

“Oh my god, Hongjoong,” San gasped, expression dropping into stern disapproval. “They’re standing right there! You’ll break their heart!” 

Wooyoung was practically cackling at this point as Yeosang ignored everything in favor of watching his phone (though his fingers were curled loosely around Wooyoung’s wrist). 

Seonghwa idly wondered if they felt that electricity when Yeosang touched Wooyoung’s mark. 

Hongjoong groaned in exasperation, turning his head and resting it on Seonghwa’s shoulder. “Is this really what the rest of our career is going to be?” 

Seonghwa rested a hand on his head as he chuckled. “See guys- you stressed him out.” 

“He’s the one letting his kids fuck.” 

“They’re not our-” 

Seonghwa hushed Hongjoong pulling him tighter to his chest. “If the only complications we find are annoying-yet-loveable group members, I’ll consider this a very successful win.” 

Hongjoong huffed, but he nodded quietly. “Yeah, I guess so.” 

“Manager’s here,” Yunho announced as he passed by the doorway. “Anyone who’s sucking face- get it out of your system now.” 

Everyone (including Wooyoung and Yeosang, the hypocrites) bolted from the room, casting wary glances at Hongjoong and Seonghwa. 

Hongjoong sighed, but peeled himself away from Seonghwa. “We got this,” he assured him, as if Seonghwa had been the one panicking. Hongjoong looked him in the eyes, as if seeing him for the first time that day. “Yeah,” he repeated quietly. “We’ve got this.” 

Seonghwa smiled. “And we have legal backup, if we need it, remember.” 

Hongjoong nodded. 

“Hurry up!” Wooyoung shrieked from the front door. “Let’s go!” 

Hongjoong sighed harshly, but went to walk from the door. He paused, jerking to a halt that made Seonghwa pause as well. Hongjoong turned quickly, reaching up and pecking his cheek. “For the road,” he said, not glancing away, but staring Seonghwa in the eyes brightly. 

Seonghwa bit back the part of his that wanted to squeeze him, and just smiled in a way he hoped conveyed how much he was going to treasure this. 

He leaned down slightly and kissed Hongjoong’s forehead quickly. “For the road,” he repeated. 

“Aw, that’s beautiful,” Yeosang said quietly, shocking both of them from where he stood in the living room doorway. “If either of you mess this up, I will personally gut you.” He smiled sweetly before it dropped. “Now,  _ move it _ !”

~~~~~~~

And it worked. 

Not all the time, but sometimes, it worked. 

They went days without seeing each other outside of work- arriving back to the dorm too late and tired to do anything but collapse on each other and fall straight to sleep without even the energy to say goodnight. 

But they saw each other everyday at work, through the distance of acting and propriety, and while all they could offer was a quick smile, it was enough to make their hearts burn with energy to finish the day. 

And on days when they weren’t too tired, they would lay in bed just a little too late at night, knowing they’d pay for it in the morning, but Hongjoong found himself half-sitting up and just… watching Seonghwa. 

Watching the way his brow crinkled at whatever he was looking at on his phone, watching his lips twitch when something funny popped up, watching his chest rise and fall calmingly with each breath- 

Hongjoong would lay his head on Seonghwa’s chest- the other simply lifting his arm and placing it over Hongjoong before continuing on. And Hongjoong would close his eyes to listen to Seonghwa’s heartbeat and feel the steady rise and breaths. 

He fell asleep like that. 

And Seonghwa would close his phone when it got officially too late, and even through the light was still on, he just watched Hongjoong sleep for a moment. 

The slight part to his lips, the flush he got to his cheeks when he was warm, the little piece of hair that had fallen into his face, the fingers that were curled loosely into Seonghwa’s shirt- 

It worked. 

It was hard, seeing each other everyday, knowing-  _ knowing  _ that  _ they both knew _ , but still going about their businesses separately. Not interacting unless they were instructed to. 

Sometimes going days without directly speaking, other than right before bed. 

But it worked. 

And they were happy. And the others were happy for them (and Wooyoung and Yeosang). And Seonghwa got to wake up, and he didn’t have to take a breath to regain his breathing after a night of dreaming that Hongjoong knew. 

He would shake Hongjoong awake, and if they had a slow morning, he would slip his sleeve up and kiss the little constellation that had lead them to each other. 

But Hongjoong would open his eyes, and when he looked at Seonghwa, he knew- 

Seonghwa could just see in his eyes that he knew and understood everything Seonghwa had ever felt-

Because that’s what the warmth in his eyes said. There was no doubt- when Hongjoong looked at him like that- that Hongjoong was intimately aware of what he was to Seonghwa. 

And it… it worked. 

All of it, it worked. 

And it was worth it. 

Every moment was worth it. 

Every moment- past and present and future- had been and was and would be worth it. 

Every time. In every lifetime. 

Constellations would still guide them home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was longer than I thought it would be, but I’m not mad about it!  
> Thank you so much for reading!  
> My next work will most likely be the superhero AU I mentioned, even though the rich college AU was the next most popular- I’ve just been holding onto the heroes one for a long time!  
> I’ll likely take a little break for thanksgiving, but I’m super excited to begin writing it!!!  
> Once again, thank you so much for reading, and feel free to stop by and chat if you want!  
> I have a twitter and CC @_SinisterSound_  
> Have an amazing day, and I’ll see you in my next work!  
> -SS

**Author's Note:**

> Whoops a bit of a cliffhanger there ㅠㅠ  
> The next chapter shouldn’t take long to put up- I’m hoping to have it done quickly!  
> But let me know if it’s confusing or if you liked it!  
> I hope you have an amazing day!  
> -SS


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